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Insomnia

Submitted by lonlyhrtsclub13 on Sun, 2017-11-05 18:24

3:00 o'clock
In the morning
Another restless night
Gasping for air
More dreams of fright

He comes every time
Whether wanted or not
The demon that haunts me
His rules I was never taught

If only I had listened
When he spoke
Maybe he’d let me be
The bruises have healed
But I can still hear him
Inside of me

Talking brings it
To the surface
Holding it in
Makes it worse
All I want is to
Break his curse

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft

Comments

Geezer

Sun, 2017-11-05 23:10

Geezer's picture
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a good rhythm going here. I would offer a few changes to make the flow better.
1] His rules I wasn't taught.
2] Whenever he spoke
3] Deep inside of me
4] Talk brings it to the surface
5] Held in, it's only worse
6] All I ever wanted, was to break his curse

I know that many people aren't concerned too much with the scansion as long as it is close, but in such a short poem, I feel that it is kind of important to keep a pattern or rhythm even so that when the reader is done, they are not reading over to correct the rhythm. I think it still says the same thing, only with a close rhythm to keep it moving. As always, feel free to ignore any or all suggestions, it's still your work! ~ Gee.
.

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lonlyhrtsclub13

Mon, 2017-11-06 17:23

lonlyhrtsclub13's picture

Thank you for your revisions as always. I will make corrections tonight after the gym.

Keep Writing,
Carrie

"Quoth said the Raven, NEVERMORE"

author comment

Chiori

Mon, 2017-11-06 11:04

Chiori's picture

the poem sounds to me as a sexual abuse.
looking at the second stanza
"He comes every time
Whether wanted or not
The demon that haunts me
His rules I was never taught"

always remember to make a critique of other poems
using the hoe is not madness for nothing

lonlyhrtsclub13

Mon, 2017-11-06 17:24

lonlyhrtsclub13's picture

Physical and verbal...I was referring to his appearance in nightmares....

Keep Writing,
Carrie

"Quoth said the Raven, NEVERMORE"

author comment
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