Join the Neopoet online poetry workshop and community to improve as a writer, meet fellow poets, and showcase your work. Sign up, submit your poetry, and get started.

Up in Ink

There are other things besides writing,
but the pen loves me like no other;
never holding back
unless being watched
by those over-the-shoulder-fuckers ...

scared rabbits;
don't offer me no carrots.

Freeing, isn't it;
saying it out loud,
writing it down,
getting lost in the ink,
the lines on the page;
giving in to the rage.

Finding the confidence to race,
screeching chalk on slate,
releasing word progressions,
bending fixed transgressions,
spitting out those cliched pieces;
the blank paper mocks and teases.

Then to reach the mark,
the confidence
in biting the shark,
relieved to find the end;
only to begin again.

Style / type: 
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing stage: 

Comments

Mr. Richard Bukowski, take a bow!

~A

If I could write like him ... hmmmm

thanks!

author comment

Talk about clearity and metaphors mix together, this is truely amazing.
never have I read something like this about that which we love so much. heart and soul as all I know.
you see why I call you professor, it's write's like this, why I bow to you!
another great lesson for me,
Always Eddie

LIFE ISN'T ABOUT WAITING FOR THE STORM TO PASS
IT'S ABOUT LEARNING HOW TO DANCE IN THE RAIN.
VIVIAN GREENE

Thank you Sir ... we are all one in the same time and place,

Richard

author comment

I like the idea of this piece, Richard. It feels very rough, which somehow feels right for it.

There are a few things that gnaw at me when reading, though. Small things, but I'd want them brought to my attention if it was my work.

(Bear with me, it's been along time since I've done this!)

The comma in the first stanza, after pen, causes a stutter and is unnecessary.
Since over the shoulder is a descriptive term, I'd put dashes to improve flow when reading: over-the-shoulder.
Then there is this, after beginning as free form, you suddenly seem to be looking for rhyme, which is a bit distracting (to me, as we know I have always had rhyme issues). It makes me, as a reader, begin to think the author needs to decide on a form for the piece and make it consistent.
There is also a rhythm hiding in there, that shows itself a bit more predominantly by the last stanza. For some reason, my inner ear wants the word "again" at the finish.

Hope this is helpful and not offensive. I am extremely rusty after so much time away!

Best
~ Ronda

So good to see you, I have missed you ... there would
be no way I'd ever be offended by anything you would
point out, I might not agree with it, but am open to any
and all suggestions ... in this case, I agreed with all of
your great suggestions. In the original, I didn't have the
comma, I added that this morning, thinking to stop the
reader there, but it has a natural stop and you are right.
The hyphens were needed and "again" too !

I've been experimenting with a mixing of free-form and rhyme
for a while ... sometimes it works, and sometimes not.

thank you Ronda
hope to be reading one of yours again soon

Richard

author comment

Richard, I think this is one of the best works you have written. The first stanzas express a freedom and depth in your use of metaphor that adds a crisp imaginative dimension and clarity of emotion with " pen loves me as no other ; never holding back. All the way down to the bottom of the third stanza with "giving into written rage" - "written" I feel is redundant"- you capture in pure beasteality the inherent sensations of your subversive anger, and then you attempt to put a polyester suit over your hoodied street hoodlum of a poem by introducing the conformity of rhyme. In so doing you lost the tough honest feel of the opening half of this poem. This poem I believe expresses a breakthrough in your style that is worth noting. Extend it to the second half of the poem and you have a winner, or dilute the first half to the conformity of rhyme, though it then would be a weaker poem, it at least would be coherent in form, and some are more interested in form over content.

B

I totally disagree with Barry, unless I'm wrong, this is a stream-of-consciousness poem.
In that, you rhyme or puke or shoot a hole in the dark and everything but the kitchen sink; It doesn't matter, because in the end, you will have written what need be.

And so it is, imo.

(((((((((((((((((RONDA!!!!!!!!!!!!!)))))))))))))) I'm sooo happy to shee you again!!!!!!!!

~A

Anna totally disagrees with me quite naturally, though I have come to respect her openness and see her point of free expression and appreciate this poem from her point of view I can't help but hold to my original point of view but with a deeper sense of hers. The hardest thing to do sometime is to revisit our thinking in the context of an opposing, or different point of view, and place the search for truth above our own prejudices. I concede a bit of narrowness in my point of view. and agree with Anna that as a spoken word poem the rapid fire rhyme of the final stanzas gives the poem a strong impressionable sound quality,but for me I still feel an opportunity to voice the initial power of the freeform is stunted by the lack of the rhyming dimension in its depth, and the final stanza (to me), is a bit weak as an ending. Nevertheless as I said before, I think this poem has some really good lines,and shows a breakthrough in style that must not be overlooked.

B

First of all let me thank you both for reading and spending
so much time on this write, I'm glad it caused a discussion,
I'm sorry there was disagreement, but then, what would a
good discussion be without some different viewpoints, but
merely a nodding of heads.

Barry, this poem was written to be read aloud, and I feel the
rhyme actually enhances the spoken word, the first part reads
a little slower and then the jump into rhyme, but ... I do agree
that rhyming can weaken a poem, cause a reader to focus on
the rhyme and meter instead of what is being said ...

I totally agree with your assessment on the word "written",
I changed the original word to that this morning, I'm not
happy with either one and was already thinking about changing
it, and now that you've pointed out the redundancy, am determined
to do so. I also wasn't happy with the final stanza, it is weak, I think
it is a good idea that needs something ... I'm going to think on it
as well.

Again, thank you both, your discussion has been a huge help!

Richard

author comment

Sleep on it, Richard.

See what is written on the wall in the morning.

Perhaps:

writing it down,
getting lost in the ink,
the lines on the page
like rage in which I sink

(continuing the rhyming scheme, albeit a bit differently)

~

WOW!... That is my first reaction... open mouthed, I am speechless! This is a raw one which you tell it true. Your opening lines hit me like a bolt out of the blue:

There are other things besides writing,
but the pen loves me like no other;
never holding back
unless being watched
by those over-the-shoulder-fuckers ...

Then:

Freeing, isn't it;
saying it out loud,
writing it down,
getting lost in the ink,
the lines on the page;
giving in to written rage.

It feels as if you have reached inside of me and ripped out the truth! The whole piece resonates, but these are the lines I liked best... did I say liked? NO, I loved them!

love, Cat

When you fling poo, some of the stink sticks to you!

"The Book of Styx" can be ordered and purchased on line at:
http://eddystyx.mythramuse.com/

thanks, I'm glad you liked it ... I changed it a bit,
hopefully it didn't hurt it.

Richard

author comment

I know exactly the feelings you describe so well. Great stufff my man, well done.

Deferential Regards

Ian

TIME FLIES LIKE AN ARROW, BUT FRUIT FLIES LIKE A BANANA

(c) Neopoet.com. No copyright is claimed by Neopoet to original member content.