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The Infinity of Space

The universe in all its glory,
home of the countless stars,
planets, big and small,
galaxies far and near,
is always expanding.

Each planet and star
rotating at their own speed,
move in their own orbit
some, a million light years away
their past being seen from earth

Here life and death
is a continuous cycle
as planets are born
or reduced, minuscule
by the great devourer.

It's where dark and glowing nebulas linger.
some are remnants left behind
after a supernova explosion
or mark the new site
for new formation.

The wonders and mysteries of space
gave birth to many ideas in great minds
as the universe continues to spin its tale
in the web of infinity

Style / type: 
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Editing stage: 

Comments

It is however a very difficult one and I applaud your courage in tackling it. It strikes two of the things most dear to me, poetry and science. Some may laugh at that only failing to realise the beauty and elegance they both share.
So I'm going to have to be tough on the technicalities of both areas.

First the title
"The Neverending Story" is also the title of a very famous German fantasy novel by Michael Ende, also made into a successful movie. You may wish to reconsider it.

I'm picking up on some very tiny typos here because I think the poem is worth it.
The scientific corrections I offer you can choose to ignore under 'poetic license'.

planets,big and small, [space before big]

never clashing with each other [scientifically not true, not just asteroids and planets but whole galaxies collide spectacularly at times]

some are so a million light years away
perhaps
some are so many millions of light years away
or
some, a million light years away

or reduced to minuscule
perhaps
or reduced, minuscule
or
or reduced to a minuscule singularity

The tale of its wonders and mysteries
gave birth to many great minds in history
[these two lines are problematic to me, they don't actually give birth to great minds but ideas in great minds, or challenged great minds]

Altogether this is a wonderful poem and I think it is really worth re-working just a little.
I have recorded it for you to hear a different perspective-
https://soundcloud.com/user536630132/the-neverending-story-by

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

Thanks for the visit and the critics as well as the suggestions. Done the edits. What do you think about the new title? Maybe you could suggest a better one. Like I said, I'm new at this, so I do need more guidance.

Alid

author comment

thrown some internal rhymes to break the prose sense of it.
however, I share jess that this is really a clever piece. I like it.

a typo as the universe continue[s] to spin its tale.

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

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As you can see, I'm new on this theme and I'm not sure how to rhyme it, which is why I need you and everyone's guidance in this learning experience. Just give me some suggestions and let me decide how to fit them in.

Alid

author comment

even tiny things like a space in the right place make a difference to the feel of a poem, eh.

I won't suggest specific rhymes though here is a handy tool for finding rhymes
http://www.rhymezone.com/

Did my reading help at all to give you a feel for the pacing/meter of the piece?

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

I don't know if its my computer or the accent, its quite difficult for me to feel for the pacing/meter but I'll see what I can do and ask my mentor for help or wait for others to comment. The pain is making it hard to focus. This piece took me 3 days to complete as I struggled with the pain, do research on the theme and write it. Hated not doing much. If I stop writing, I get rusty real fast..Thanks for the link. I'll look into it after abit of rest.

Alid

author comment

The fact that you are able to write such a poem and your choice of the theme while enduring pain is fascinating to say the least.

Be well soon..

Regards,

raj (sublime_ocean)

for the visit and the comment.

Alid

author comment

Been a long time since I wrote a poem dealing with space. But since you asked here's some ideas :
Stanza 1, line 2 I know this isn't meant to be a metered poem but I think countless might work better than myriad
Stanza 2, line 3 cycle doesn't seen quite right. I'd have simply said orbit
...............last line I'd change this to "their past being seen from earth" this will reveal that a great distances what we observe is what happened in the past due to light speed limitations.
Stanza 3, line 4 change to"or consumed" cleans the line up + reinforces the following line.
Stanza 4 line 1 Change bright to glowing (more accurate description
............ line 4 change marks to mark
............last line Try for new formation because nebulae can become stars, star groups or pleats
Stanza 5, line to delete many
This stanza seems to have one too many "tales" try replacing the last one with narratives or tomes.

As usual these are just ideas so be free to use only those you think might help or even none of them. I know it's a fought thing to write a poem dealing with the entire universe. Where does one stop? Should this include quasars, black holes, dark matter neutron stars,worm holes and all the other things I can't think of off the top of my head? But this poem does cover a good bit. One thing to consider as far as additional stanzas, how does the poem's content relate to you as an individual. Hope some of this blabbering is helpful........stan

did some edits on the last stanza. What d'ya think?

Alid

author comment
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