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infatuation

Infatuation

Oh I wasn't good in physics
Always sucked at knowing lyrics
Been told to follow critics
All I wanted was some kisses
You made a lot of promises
All of them you never kept

My love melted as chocolate
You'd set time and be late
Always wonder if we on a date
It was more like waiting for fate
When you did everything I hate
Left me torn I couldn't open the gate
Mama told me to reject love

Agh you just creepy
I cant keep you happy
You always snappy
Pregnant woman are better
Maybe I should write a letter
Everything will get bitter
Save the world don't litter
You once shined like glitter
Now you as scraped like rust
You made everything a must
Lost my love for some mere lust
Now you want my trust
You so wicked

Review Request (Intensity): 
I appreciate moderate constructive criticism
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Editing stage: 

Comments

I know the feeling. Wanting that person you can't have or who doesn't know you exist or who just otherwise doesn't reciprocate your love is a feeling that has captured the attention of poets since humankind could write or speak poetry, I'm sure. I think what you've added to this long tradition should be developed more.

What do you mean by pregnant women being better? What do you mean by this love being creepy? What do you mean by them being like rust? I would love to see you develop these unique lines to make the poem really stand out.

The rhyme and pace remind me of a rap and most raps and music in general has a refrain or chorus that is typically what reveals the deeper meaning of the song/poem/lyrics and will get repeated to reiterate the meaning. Consider adding something like that, even just one more stanza that draws upon those images like the rust and creepiness to help your readers really get inside your feelings.

Hope this helps, just want to inspire!

Take care,
Kelsey

Advocates Coordinator

Critique, don't comment. Neopoet is a workshop and is designed to share your poetry, receive and make critique of the work posted, and most importantly, for you to evolve as a poet.

www.kelsey-burroughs.weebly.com

if there are no reasons for those lines, other than to make rhyme, you would be better off to just delete them. As Swamp-witch says if there are reasons for those lines, give us a little more to explain where they fit in. Nice rhyming and rhythm. ~ Geezer.
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