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Indebted

A memory,
vague misty grey,
sees a little girl at play.

Her brothers there,
no voice, no face,
just a void of empty space.

Fragmented shards
of clarity
filter through the murky sea.

He threw a fork,
with no intent,
it was just an accident.

A gaping hole
between her toes.
Tears trickling down her nose.

Her parents arms,
although unseen,
lifts her up, as in a dream.

No noise, no sound,
just bloody pink,
swirling round the kitchen sink.

That little girl,
that's now grown old,
sees her parents hearts of gold.

You know, by now,
that girl was me,
back in nineteen sixty three.

Indebted for
the love they showed,
in the house at Benstead Road.

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Last few words: 
This is one of the memories of my childhood. ( very vague ). Sometimes It's not until we are older that we appreciate the love and care our parents give us. Thank you mum and dad!
Editing stage: 

Comments

At first glance I thought this was going to be free-verse with a conveniently undefined rhyme scheme pasted on and I was glad that I was wrong.

I like this piece because it tells a story and it tells it pretty damn well.

There are a couple of problem spots:

Stanza 5, line 3 is short a syllable - "Tears running down her nose."

Stanza 8, line 3, I believe it would flow better if "heart" was plural.

Stanza 10, line 3, I believe the second "in" would present better as an "at" or an "on." - in the house in Benstead Road.

But overall, I like this because it speaks of how we form our attachments and that your good memory of your parents was not built on things they gave you or praise they bestowed, but the everyday actions loving parents show their children.

---------------------------------------------------------

Jonathan Moore

Annoying the world, one person at a time

(Group discounts available)

Thank you so much for coming by. I have corrected the problem spots - ( I saw tears as two syllables ) I made the same mistake with the word wild - over emphasising. I hope the word "trickling" does the trick - if not I'll re-think.

I really appreciate your observations and the time you have taken to read and comment. It means alot to me.

With Love Mand xxx

author comment

touching. I can always relate when it talks about invaluable parents. I wish I can talk about my childhood memories so effectively the way you did dear Mandy.
Thanks for sharing

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

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:) Thank you Rula! Whenever you visit I always feel encouraged.

I'm looking forward to reading some of your poems!

Keep safe

Loads of love - to you and family.

Love Mand xxxxx

author comment

Good stuff. I like the fractured way you remember the incident, its a great depiction of how most of us remember the past of so long ago. This poem has a familial warmth to it that I like very much.

Respectfully, Jim

"Laws and Rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" - Race-9togo

http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/Race_9togo

So good to have you come by! Parents do so much for us - most of it lost and forgotten - but when these memories surface it touches the heart!

I really appreciate your lovely comments!

Thank you.

Love Mand xxxx

author comment
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