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Incantations
One single voice cries n the night
bless me father
for I have sinned
I've traded my soul
for one night of lust
Another voice answers
to whom do you pray
to save what is now mine
Amid the writhing
creatures chant
the vile stench of the dead
and the dieing
permeating her nostrils
as the gasping for air is heard
To what end have I come
all for the sake of wanting
was it worth this
Incantations to the dark one
rise as she falls
deeper and deeper
Her eyelids open
to a darkened room
suddenly the flames rise
in the unlit fireplace
was she dreaming
she asks
as the chills play tag along
her spine
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Last few words:
Some Halloween fun
Editing stage:
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Comments
Basil-Collins
Fri, 2019-10-25 22:33
Hello c Lynn Brooks.....
Hello c Lynn Brooks.....
If I had any criticisms at all.....then the simplicity of your poem....just zapped a wand at it....
but I will suggest.....you never switched the emotion.....and diction flexibility from stanza3......it made me stop seeing one sculpture throughout the poem....
This is what I think....not that it's what's plain true!!
Ur poems great.... just incase you didn't think so!!!
BasilHere!!
c lynn brooks
Sat, 2019-10-26 07:24
Basil
thank you for the read and suggestion and the compliment I appreciate i
Chrys
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author commentEumolpus
Sat, 2019-10-26 11:44
A suggestion.
in this poem, punctuation would serve it well. Here's my take with a few edits. I kept it all in the first person. I dropped the first line.
"Bless me father
for I have sinned.
I've traded my soul
for a night of lust."
A voice answers,
"To whom do you pray
to save what is now mine?"
Amid the writhing
creatures chant
the vile stench of the dead
and the dyeing,
permeating her nostrils
as the gasping for air is heard.
To what end have I come
all for the sake of wanting
was it worth this?
Incantations to the dark one
rise as I fall
deeper and deeper.
My eyelids open
to a darkened room.
Suddenly the flames rise
in the unlit fireplace.
"Was I dreaming?",
The chills play tag along
my spine.
Eumolpus
I'd rather learn from one bird how to sing
than teach ten thousand stars how not to dance
ee cummings
c lynn brooks
Sat, 2019-10-26 13:00
freeverse
does not require punctuation as long as there are line breaks I have studied the rules and teach it
Chrys
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author commentEumolpus
Sat, 2019-10-26 22:32
understood
I have written many free verse poems, (including a book of 60 poems) no punctuation, all lower case, no specific margins...It's not about rules. It's about what works, and i think punctuation fits especially when a poem has a lot of quotes and poses questions. That was what prompted my suggestion.
Eumolpus
I'd rather learn from one bird how to sing
than teach ten thousand stars how not to dance
ee cummings
c lynn brooks
Mon, 2019-10-28 15:12
Hello
Understood no argument here . I thank you for taking the time to read and offer input and will take to heart your comments
Chrys
Chrys
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author commentGeezer
Sun, 2019-10-27 11:23
For what my opinion is worth...
I agree with Eumolpus. It is not always about the rules. It is indeed, what works.
~ Geezer.
.
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c lynn brooks
Mon, 2019-10-28 15:02
geezer
yes I agree and within the realms of freeverse believe it or not there are no rules per. I will be holfing s wrokshop on freeverse in the very near future if interested
Chrys
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author commentGeezer
Tue, 2019-10-29 16:46
What I meant...
to say, was; If there are no rules, that's a rule! LoL And yes, I do imagine that my free-verse is maybe a bit rusty, so if you have a workshop on free-verse...
~ Geezer.
.
There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.