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Impossible to happen !!
If Spring came before Winter
if the sun hid in the noon
if the clouds rendered no showers
and the flowers neglected to bloom
if the hearts throbbed just for pennies
if for business, renown and gain
if no more fresh water ran for lilies
and fires couldn't flame again
if the stars became too dark
and trees' leaves in Spring fell
if the kids can no more lark
and only for coins we dwelled
Just then I shall cease a love true,
and say no more I could offer you.
Style / type:
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing stage:
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Jordan
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I favor the ones who are closer to humanity and, Poets are humanity when the world lose it.
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Comments
Nordic cloud
Sun, 2012-06-24 07:50
This is a lovely little rant Rula flower,
This is a lovely little rant Rula flower, you had me smiling
all the way through; but they did once fall, the leaves in Summer,
when we had a drought, they shrivelled up and the
Autumn had no fun blowing them off for they were gone!
The only line that bothered me a little bit was:
"and fires couldn't again up flame"
I think it could be rephrased perhaps?
And the two last lines I don't quite understand in the context!
Well they don't explain what you mean to me,
probably its simple and I just am not seeing well!
Ann.
"The image of yourself which you see in a mirror Is dead,
but the reflection of the moon on water, lives." Kenzan.
Rula
Sun, 2012-06-24 22:23
it is but my luckiest day dear Ann
to have your visit .Thanks dear Ann
To tell the truth I've stuck in the ending lines . I wanted to show that my love shall never seize or it shall cease ONLY if all the above mentioned things happened which is in one way or another impossible -if we excluded the fall of trees' leaves in summer :) :) . If you can think of any better ending or a paraphrase for the same idear I'd really appreciate it.
Highly appreciate your generosity
❤❤❤❤❤❤
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author commentjudyanne
Sun, 2012-06-24 09:47
a lovely and melancholic write rula
i have a few suggestions
‘ and the flowers rejected to bloom’ (I suggest ‘neglected’ rather than ‘rejected’ – somehow it seems better English to me – reject is more refusing to accept rather than refuse to do)
'if for business, renown or fame (lol – I do think that is what business is)
... and fires couldn't again up flame' (a line that sounds as if you were looking for a rhyme – this to me sounds forced)
- suggest
‘if for business renown or gain
… and fires couldn’t flame again’
'if the stars became too dark
and trees' leaves in Spring fall
if the kids can no more lark
and only for coins we lived all' (again a line that loses the text through forced rhyme)
- again can I suggest
'and trees' leaves in Spring fell
… and only for coins we dwell'
and your final couplet
'Just then I shall seize my love,
no more love I shall offer you' – this really is not that powerful rula
- perhaps something like?
‘only then could I seize my love
only then would my love prove true’
i really love the theme of this write
love judy
xxx
'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)
Rula
Sun, 2012-06-24 22:07
A few they're :)
I did the suggested changes and all are valid indeed thank you.
However as for the last couplet I wanted 'cease' not seize but misspelled the word. Does that make any sense regarding the intended meaning which is my love shall stop or I can't offer any love if any or all the above impossible to happen things happened ?
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author commentRula
Tue, 2012-06-26 23:45
Lonnie
your comment has simply made my day.Thanks man!!
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author commentCandlewitch
Mon, 2012-06-25 12:57
Dear Rula,
It is my opinion that this is a clever and considered write. I love the content. I think it was very well written.
always, Cat
*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.
Rula
Tue, 2012-06-26 23:44
thank you dear Cat. Happy to
thank you dear Cat. Happy to know that you loved the content and the way it is written. I appreciate your comment and very pleased to know that you've overcome your severe flu.
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