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An Imperfect Heist of Love

Submitted by Shyanne18 on Thu, 2014-07-31 16:10

Bonnie met Clyde,
And the sun met daylight.
It was like when the thief met crime,
And the moon met night.
No two were more meant for each other.

Poetry and mystery; the elements of love.
Fast cars and whiskey,
Fueling passion written in the stars.
When the bank alarms rang out,
The tommy guns made shout.

Cash and jewelry rain down,
The smell of gunsmoke and perfume.
'A match made in the stars above, so below.'
Their love was the purest poison.
No earthly power could separate the two.

So in love thief with crime,
And Bonnie with Clyde
It felt right in space and time.
No magic, nor force of law could pull them apart.
Their love would last from here and far.

Review Request (Intensity): 
I appreciate moderate constructive criticism
Review Request (Direction): 
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
Editing stage: 
Editing - draft

Comments

alidzain

Sat, 2014-08-02 22:11

alidzain's picture

emm. For some reasons, I think it will be better if this piece is in present tense.
The moon meets her night , mayhaps you can put the sun meets his day, instead of sea...These are my suggestions. Use them if you want to. It is, after all your poem.
Overall, its a good piece.Good job. Keep on writing

Alid

Shyanne18

Sun, 2014-08-03 00:35

Shyanne18's picture

I really liked your suggestions. I thought "The sun met his day," was perfect. I couldn't figure out why it didn't flow right. Give it another go ;)

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alidzain

Sun, 2014-08-03 06:13

alidzain's picture

The moon met her night,
The sun met his daytime
It was like when Bonnie met Clyde.
or when the thief met his crime
.A match made in heaven above, so below.
No earthly power could separate the two.
So in love the moon with the night.
and the sun with the day
Like the gods made night for her and her for night.
and the day for him to shine his glory light
No magic, nor power could pull them apart.
when fate blessed their hearts
Their love would last from here and far,
witnessed
by the universe....

Alid

weirdelf

Mon, 2014-08-04 12:06

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sorry to be harsh with this one, you must already know that love poetry is the most difficult subject of all to bring any originality too.

The crime theme could perhaps be explored further.

A match made in heaven above, so below.
is beyond cliche, almost plagiarism,Shakespeare I suspect.

Perhaps if you brought some of the more brutal passion to it.

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

Shyanne18

Wed, 2014-08-06 13:05

Shyanne18's picture

Constructive criticism.... You can say it needed work. The title is appropriate. But calling a fellow poets work cliche.... That isn't constructive. I write here because people are honest, but that wasn't constructive. Telling me to find more passion that helps me. Try being less critical. More helpful.

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alidzain

Wed, 2014-08-06 14:32

alidzain's picture

Well done.

Alid

weirdelf

Thu, 2014-08-07 03:30

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I do try to be helpful but a calling a cliche a cliche is justifiable, don't take it personally, it's just truth, not an attack. If you said "the blue bowl of the sky" and I called it a cliche, would that be mean, an attack? No, it would be helpful. I'm sorry you took that personally, maybe I could have offered a better alternative.

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

weirdelf

Thu, 2014-08-07 05:09

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I referred to the line
"A match made in the heavens above, so below."
which is dangerously close to plagiarism and certainly cliche.

I meant no harm.

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

Shyanne18

Fri, 2014-08-08 14:01

Shyanne18's picture

I just don't like when people feel the need to be harsh. No worries.

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lovedly

Wed, 2014-08-06 16:52

lovedly's picture

oh unknown poet

you can't survive
in a fire like chestnuts
such as this

nor can you ever survive
in waters with crocodiles

so I suggest
before you rebuff
remain unknown
tis okay for some

but the one you rebuff
is that iron
which can repair the bruise

so don't as being unknown accuse
but make proper use .

I have been brazened
over a period of time
I knew no poetry
rhythm nor rhyme

now f you can call this
some sensible crime
worthy a dime
say so I intrude in a domain divine
of which master are you
as you are unknown wine

You haven't read me yet
you are the only star
by far

maiden comment
try to understand
be brave
but with a shield in hand....

Ian.T

Thu, 2014-08-07 04:00

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The theme is a good one, though I just couldn't get to like the arrangement, but that is just me.
I always read the critique of other poets on works as it helps me not to make so many mistakes.
We had a good workshop on cliché's a while back , and it was run I believe by Jess, one of his pet hates, we are really in a good place, as he says it as it is, there is no animosity meant by his flowery comment.
Maybe you have missed out on a few of his words lol, Jess is an asset to Neopoet though some poets take a dim view of the way he says things sometimes, Loved has an on off battle with him, but ask Loved he will say he has learned from those exchanges.
Look at the way he wrote his comment to you above, to what he wrote a year or so ago, it is poetry to the ear, I also have a few run ins with our Jess but have learned much from his ways lol.
As he will say this is one of the best workshops on the net, and a lot of poets agree with that.
Now I hope that all will be well, and that you continue to enjoy our pathway here.
It is great to see your work so keep on writing,
Yours Ian.T

.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

weirdelf

Thu, 2014-08-07 05:22

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I still have a problem with that line
"A match made in the heavens above, so below." it comes Hermes TRISMEGISTUS, an alchemist. As such it is a beautiful and powerful line, the alchemy of love and it's explosive effects, the search for the Philosophers stone. Just put it in inverted commas or refer to alchemy and all will be well.

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

Shyanne18

Wed, 2014-08-13 23:24

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I guess I don't understand... Would you mind explaining what you mean?

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weirdelf

Sun, 2014-08-17 05:11

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It was a practice during the Renaissance and 'Age of Reason' when some people tried to couple science with mysticism.

Anyway, it doesn't matter, as long as you don't mind that a line you wrote had already been written by someone else, it is hard to be completely original. And you deleted it.

I give by far the most honest, informed and harsh critique of anyone on Neopoet so add that grain of salt to what I say.

Remember, I never accused you of being clichéd or of plagiarism, just that line bothered me. Then again, I loved it because it referenced a whole philosophy and maybe we should leave it at that.

Your revisions are excellent, though, paradoxically, I now wish that line was back in some form! Sorry, I can be self-contradictory and a bit of a nutter.

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

Shyanne18

Sat, 2016-03-26 07:25

Shyanne18's picture

But you were right it needed more work it now has five lines then a break. It was
4...5...4...5 I do know what anchamy is I don't know why I was confused. Give it one last read. Its polished and read for critque

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