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Impasse (revisited)
Revised with intent to improve
In my
Wash Room
the day after
I let
emotions
drain
Yet
memories
of you choke
---------------------------------------------
Original version
There in
gutters lie
discards
Left
to decay,
degrade, pass
But
memories
of you choke
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction):
Is the internal logic consistent?
Editing stage:
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Comments
Barbara Writes
Thu, 2018-02-22 14:37
Great
I starting to get the essence I think of turning inanimate object inanimate object haiku into feeling thing object senyru. Am I off on what I seeing?
*Collaborative Poetry Workshop* American Version of Japanese Poetry ~ Renga ~ Haiku, Senyru, Tanka.
Neopoet Community
raj
Thu, 2018-02-22 14:42
Thanks Barbara for your time
Thanks Barbara for your time visit and interpretation. This has a blend of haiku in it. You may have noticed that I have attempted to further shorten some of the lines in terms of syllabi. I am so happy to see you liking Sunku form and getting adept at it with every Sunku you are posting...
hugs....
raj (sublime_ocean)
author commentBarbara Writes
Thu, 2018-02-22 15:42
Senyru
Is you referring to gutter or discards? If so that’ll still make haiku rather than senyru. You made it personal between you and the gutter or discard? As it seems you are talking to the gutter or the discards. Then I sensed that’s the senyru portion of it.
*Collaborative Poetry Workshop* American Version of Japanese Poetry ~ Renga ~ Haiku, Senyru, Tanka.
Neopoet Community
raj
Thu, 2018-02-22 15:43
Thanks Barbara for visiting
Thanks Barbara for visiting again and your perception. One of the objectives of a Sunku supposedly is to let the reader perceive and imagine. Good to know that I seem to have achieved it...
regards...
raj (sublime_ocean)
author commentBarbara Writes
Thu, 2018-02-22 15:56
You did
Well doing that
*Collaborative Poetry Workshop* American Version of Japanese Poetry ~ Renga ~ Haiku, Senyru, Tanka.
Neopoet Community
IRiz
Thu, 2018-02-22 15:33
you are killing me with your
you are killing me with your words
IRiz
raj
Thu, 2018-02-22 15:45
Sorry for killing you but
Sorry for killing you but coming from the WS leader I will take it as a compliment...may I? :)
raj (sublime_ocean)
author commentIRiz
Thu, 2018-02-22 15:47
i think it is well done, but
i think it is well done, but it deviates from my aesthetics, i can not even think about it clearly
IRiz
raj
Thu, 2018-02-22 15:49
oh! sorry that I misread it
oh! sorry that I misread it as a compliment....i shall relook at what is amiss...
raj (sublime_ocean)
author commentraj
Thu, 2018-02-22 16:14
When you get time......please
When you get time......please tell me in which context of aesthetics you are finding it coming short of expectations...will appreciate your revert on this...till then I will sleep over this one..
raj (sublime_ocean)
author commentIRiz
Fri, 2018-02-23 09:42
Good morning, my friend.
Good morning, my friend.
Poems elevate us above mundane, they could use mundane words though.
If you choose to talk about gutters your poem has to raise the spirit above it, uncover the beauty of the world even in impossible.
Instead you pulling the reader all the way in the gutter.
The world is full of suffering and poets are here to help us to accept it and raise above, to find a mysterious beauty of the world despite its obvious evil and ugliness.
We can write about anything but we are born to help people to get in touch with the beauty of the world.
I hope you see my point. I don't want to see your talent wasted on evil.
IRiz
raj
Fri, 2018-02-23 12:59
IRiz, i do appreciate your
IRiz, i do appreciate your point. However, gutter here is used in the context that it is an essential facility to discard things one would like to get rid of and not in an obnoxious way...much the same way they help to cleanse it of garbage.
However, I promise to rework on the poem and make it aesthetically more acceptable. Will then seek your opinion ...
raj (sublime_ocean)
author comment