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I'm yours

Submitted by Schrey on Fri, 2020-08-28 07:23

Please wait, you have to stay for me,
I need you all the time you should know,
Come and dance with me,
It’s my comfort zone you know,
Please don’t leave and be with me,
I’m all yours…

I love you more than anyone else you should know,
Stay besides me,
I’ll never let you go, you’re mine that what I know,
Please don’t leave and be with me,
I’m all yours…

You’re my tom and I’m your jerry,
We may fight but we love each other that world should know,
I’m crazy about, you crazy about me,
People are jealous of us you know,
Please don’t leave and be with me,
I’m all yours,
Schrey I am all yours…

Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Last few words: 
Thanks you guys.
Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft
Contest: 
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Content level: 
Not Explicit Content

Comments

tyro

Fri, 2020-08-28 13:26

I liked this, this idea of "I'm yours" brought back memories from my past. I find tension in the poem because the phrase "Please don’t leave and be with me," (with emphasis on please) seems to point to a possible tragedy. Now I see what I'm trying to say; maybe its just me but please sounds like begging. Is there a real purpose for please?

T

The most powerful reaction
of mind on mind
is transference of sight

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