Join the Neopoet online poetry workshop and community to improve as a writer, meet fellow poets, and showcase your work. Sign up, submit your poetry, and get started.
If Life Were Only Poetry
Oh, if life were only poetry!
I would fill my love’s cup
With yonder bright stars.
And make of her life
More of heaven then earth.
I would take from her flowing lips
The sweet charms of nippy kisses.
I’d watch her eyes flicker as a busy bee
As she takes in the nectar of a garden rose.
Oh, if only I could fill her cup
With the passions from my heart.
To endlessly write of her loveliness;
Yet, dwell in ever word penned.
Oh, if life were only poetry!
Style / type:
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity):
I appreciate moderate constructive criticism
Editing stage:
(c) Neopoet.com. No copyright is claimed by Neopoet to original member content.
Comments
Dalton
Tue, 2012-11-20 18:03
Hi Drachm
A wonderful start for you here. Very close to myown style when I write love lyrics. So I like this poem immensely. Needs tweaking, its not perfect but you have something to work with.
John
drachm
Tue, 2012-11-20 19:13
If life......
What are some of the tweaks?
Drachm
author commentthemoonman
Wed, 2012-11-21 07:59
Hi Drachm,
The real problem with this poem is life is poetry,
it's just not always rosy and sweet.
Pay attention to the meter or flow of words,
sometimes a longer sentence doesn't break
the momentum but in this case (in my opinion)
it does.
Nippy; I'd find a more descriptive word there,
"Yet, dwell in ever word penned"
maybe " dwelling in every word penned"
welcome to the site
Richard
drachm
Wed, 2012-11-21 10:15
If Life...
Thank you Richard for the good advice.
author comment