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I will not have you carry the weight of my world

I will do my best to carry the weight of my world on my shoulders
when you are not here, I will brave
the emptiness of bright days that I have not the power to fill
and the loneliness of nights when I cannot keep my heart warm
and I will learn to hold myself with these two arms
and feel the ribs beneath my skin
naked body curled up beneath my sheets
to remind me that I am all that I have

When you are not walking the streets of this world by my side
I will shake myself awake, to remember
that even if you were here,
the weight of my world should never be yours to carry—
I will walk to the mirror and look into my own eyes, to see
this soul stumbling through the darkness
as all of us are,
I will face and dive into the existential night that I and only I
can light, with a flicker of conscious presence

When I have not the honour of your presence
interweaving with my own
to create a cosmic wonder diffused in two bodied devotion,
I will carry the weight of my own world on these shoulders
and when you finally show up
after all this time,
when you walk into my life,
you will marvel at their gentle strength
and long to kiss the soft edges
that have made me who I am
because the heavens know, to carry the weight of a heart as heavy as my own
and to brave the days with a mind as convoluted as this—
this inner universe with enough wit to tease your intellect—
deserves a love with hands larger than life,
deserves a love like yours

So I am holding my own heart within this chest
and waiting for your love that will have me
come alive, rippling with sensuality
lighted by safety and cocooned
by strong arms to return to,
but I am not waiting for you to carry the weight of my world
because even if you were by my side to meet me in love,
even if I were to devote my heart to you,
I am
all that I have.

Style / type: 
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Editing stage: 

Comments

.....'''and
long to kiss the soft edges
that have made me
who I am..''''.
nice lines
but
it will be difficult to find such a man
so adjust as much as you can
If only you can
slice part of I am...
all the best ma'am

It's a treat reading you
no wonder you won
the red wagon

your comments make me blush most of the time - your praise is too much and too sweet! Thank you.
And... slicing parts of 'I am' is precisely what I cannot do, and if my way of seeing things is delusional, I cannot help it (for now, at least): the man that might come my way, someday, will not need any adjusting on my part, but will take me as I am — there, another I am...

 

Love,
Steph

... to remember what it felt like to have my being set alight
beneath the moon when I was full and I was dancing with the night
when I could see beyond my sight
when I could see beyond my sight

author comment

unless I feel intrigued
I am not qualified enough to pass
judgemental comments
unless it pierces me

You poetry is quite soothing
but as I suffer from
''Cancer of EGO,'''
I saw traces of me
while reading you...(excuse me please)
so I advised Slicing
Lady

Your wish none can over rule
nor will I ever dare to

as for blushing.......dear daughter kind........
Thank my stars ..
my wife is not reading...poetry... at least

The main problem I have with free verse is the tendency for it to become chopped up plain prose.Read this poem again and you will see that it sounds a bit too much like a letter written to a friend. Which is a shame because the message is so good. But this would not be a hard write to "fix"......Hmmmm fix seems a bit harsh but I hope you don't take it that way lol. A bit of alliteration here and there would help as would an increase in imagery.Like in line 1 just add "Own" before shoulders or in line 6 of stanza 3 you could say something like "after what seems an eternity". Just a few examples of what I mean by better imagery. As to Alliteration that's kinda up to you where to put it but as an example in line 6 you could say rippling ribs. And then there's rhyme which can be used to reinforce the parts of the poem which you want to have most impact.....that's right rhyme IS allowed in free verse lmao. I see there is some rhyme both end line and internal here already but it seems to me to be entirely incidental. Now next to last line.I think to isolate "I" here and carrying "am" to the next line would add power to the ending.
Well that's about enough of this old duffer trying to teach a pro........stan

... exactly the sort of insight that I needed! Because I do have this tendency to lay out in verse what could be prose. That's why usually, I do use rhymes and imagery - and this poem would, indeed, benefit from more of that. That's why this is a draft! Will go back to editing it and will surely apply your advice, it's of real value. Although I was hoping it might sound like a letter written to a lover, not to a friend!

And thank you for the October contest - I truly appreciate the work you put into it!

 

Love,
Steph

... to remember what it felt like to have my being set alight
beneath the moon when I was full and I was dancing with the night
when I could see beyond my sight
when I could see beyond my sight

author comment

In Contests Geezer and I just set the ball rolling. The Real work is done by the month's judge who is always anonymous.

Yes we are in an age of "confessional poetry" . How difficult it is to dig deep into yourself without being overly prosaic, and conversational. Where does a journal entry end and a poem begin?
You have written profoundly from the heart and with great honesty. The reliance on yourself, the ultimate realization that you alone can be the captain of your soul is clearly stated...too clearly stated.
You need to introduce, through images and word play, the "feeling" of what you are saying without saying it directly. I do not know the magic trick to transcend into the realm of the imagination, in which is becomes a "higher" poetry. It is a long process of learning the craft. I have many suggestions of the many great poets I have read who discuss this very thing. I recommend looking at "The Triggering Town" by Richard Hugo, about how the poet must be like a tourist in the town of his imagination, in which the normal relationships of words and ideas don't work...you need to separate yourself from the idea, and let it be said through imagery. This is no easy task. I've been working at it for 50 years.
I also think you might like Sylvia Plath, who found a way to transcend it.
You are a writer with a huge appetite for truth, for emotion, writing from the guts. So you have the necessary stuff. Your ideas stand without cliche, the most common problem of most of us amateurs who too often state the obvious, and tend to be lecturing to the reader. I hope my few suggestions will help you on your path.

Eumolpus
I'd rather learn from one bird how to sing
than teach ten thousand stars how not to dance
ee cummings

The biggest challenge I have is saying things in a more... subtle manner. And this is something I face across all aspects of my life - I do not know how to be subtle. And the poetry, in some ways, suffers - but in some other ways, i think it is a relief to see something states so clearly and full of passion, of conviction - some of my favourite poems are like this. But I am trying to master the art of subtlety in poetry, and to follow your advice. Thank you.

 

Love,
Steph

... to remember what it felt like to have my being set alight
beneath the moon when I was full and I was dancing with the night
when I could see beyond my sight
when I could see beyond my sight

author comment

Loved this piece, a true picture of someone held in their own trap, though it be made of the finest silk even a curtain will stop a bullet.
There inside you dwell then yearn for someone to help with the burden you carry.
One of my favourite sayings is:- If you carry a cross to long, the cross will become the reason for carrying.
Loved the closed freedom of inner thought, let it out and show the world that therein is a beaut Spirit that is lonely.
Take care, Yours as always, Ian xx

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Unconditional love to you all.
"Learn to love yourself first"
Yours as always, Ian.T, Sparrow, and Yenti

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