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I Trusted You

I hear the floor creek
Closer and closer toward my bedroom door
I try to stay quiet hiding under the covers
Though I know he will find me

I hope he doesn't hear my heartbeat
Or hear me praying God will protect me tonight
But as I do I start to cry because I know
Tonight's one of those nights
When GOD just doesn't HEAR ME

I let out one more sob
And the door swings open
The hallway light shines in
But darkness radiates off him
So strong
He has a smile on his face
Nothing will stop him
I cant even defend myself

He gets on top of me holding me down
As I try to turn away
He pulls me back covering my mouth
I am too scared to breathe

A few weeks pass by
I hear him moaning my name
While stumbling around the house
Closer and closer he is walking toward me

Now he is on my bed
And before he even touches me
I begin to cry as I wonder
Where is God tonight?

This time I fight back
I yell
I cry
But he has ways to shut me up
I do everything I can to loosen his grip
He's hurting me so bad but will not let me go
NO
He will not let me go
Not until he is finished

He leaves me lying there
To think of what I have lost
"I'm sorry" is not enough
He doesn't even realize what it has cost

Another few weeks pass by
The shame keeps getting worse
Too afraid to tell
Though its so hard to hide this pain
Day after day

I must have been bad that night
I hear him coming closer as I'm lying on the floor
Lord I would do anything
If you would keep him from walking through that door

But he does
I finally realize I am all alone
No one to protect me
No one who can save me
So I lie back down to take it
But he throws me on the bed
And makes me relive my worst fears
When I just want to be dead

I don't want to kill myself
I just want to die
God, why have you abandoned me?
Can you not see the tears I cry?

I will hurt myself later
After you have hurt me
This blood that stains the sheets
Tangled up on my bed
Reminds me of the words
The images you have put inside my head

I can still feel you touching me, grabbing me
Forcing my body closer to yours
The feeling of your cold fingers all over me
I constantly try to wash away
From my scarred skin

Since that first night
I live my life in fear
You are the reason
I cannot love at all
Because I trusted you
I can no longer trust

The pain I hold inside
You will never know
They will never understand
That my scars don't even begin to show

Style / type: 
Free verse
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Comments

we have a lot in common. my sexual abuser was my older sisters' husband. (see the poem "In Her Bed" written about me by my male alter ego) I am assuming that your attacker is your father or another family member. they take from you more than they know. not just your body, but they take your sense of security. and your dignity and right to choose, and more. they make you feel guilty and dirty and less than human!

I used to pray to "God" too, and beg for help...none came. I told my sisters and my mother...they called me a liar! I am now Wiccan, as the Christian "GOD" turned his back on me. I now turn my back on him,

your poem is well written, except for the lines:

You are the reason I love too easily
Why I cannot love at all

I say this because they contradict each other. I would remove the line: "You are the reason I love too easily"

this is just a suggestion and my honest opinion. good luck, my heart goes out to you. nice to meet you!

*hugs, Cat

When you fling poo, some of the stink sticks to you!

"The Book of Styx" can be ordered and purchased on line at:
http://eddystyx.mythramuse.com/

If this is your personal experience I am very sorry for you and hope you will get the support that is desperately needed in these circumstances. If it is from your imagination, I am mightily impressed. That support can be as little as someone taking the time to let you talk it out. I remember noting that one of my spiritual sisters in my congregation was not her usual self. It turned out she noticed a newspaper article on the subject which brought memories flooding back about an abusive uncle. She could not talk to me directly so I suggested she phone me when she felt able to talk. Sure enough, within a couple of hours she was on the phone and all these memories poured out of her like a dam had burst. We never again mentioned it but I know she appreciated the chance to be heard.

Keith Logan
the happy chappy
https://www.neopoet.com/community-guidelines

I thank you for your comment. For your time and consideration.

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author comment

all my women were "handled" father uncle brother
grandfather..all my women were super connected
stayed in family...uh money might have been motive
...blood thicker then water....duh..strike out on your
own only dealers...slave drivers and others snatch
U up...not a pretty world...however...all my scary
males were afraid of Ghosts....that I might hit man age
and return to flatten their world...it was more interesting
to see what they had...which in the end was not much
Survive and Thrive..........I read Tiger Tiger...and after the
author wrote this everyone was on her case..she has since
withdrawn........but I feel for her.........And that hockey dude
is out after all his abuse on young hockey boys in maple leaf
gardens in the seventies.....Karla Homolka made a deal
go look up these names...If u or I done in these bonzos we ould do life
but they got deals...not a perfect world.....So the survivors
survive......I wont say I am or not a survivor...but I related dated
and knew many who had crap through the years..

Your writing is dark but its well written and specific!
Your responses well spoken..
I do not doubt that this has gone down to U
my intuition speaks this

somehow many of us lived through that but we pay
to this day....myself included
Your writing is relevant...
the voice strong
Thank U Alana!

Mr Wolf!

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