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I stopped to look.

I brake my sudden spring of step, to still
and slow, so I can take in precious things,
windows that hang like jewels, shine dark
to one confined inside this world.

Within a prism arc of colour that
adorns each corner of the speechless
sepulchre, touching with brilliant rainbow
lustre, landing, leaping on gilded saints.

In bronze tribunes, I trace the outline
of things past, I cannot tell meaning, yet
the mystery holds me here
in this great cavernous swell

of dark and bright, lances of pure light
falling on flagstones, pews,
curtained velvet screens,
secreted rooms, things unseen.

To the one silent, solitary ear
this room speaks volumes
I hear, rich bourbon tones speak to
a numinous mystery.

Sacred, secular, neither, either
here present in the hum of a universe
I stop to look, I start listening,
and that's enough

Style / type: 
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Last few words: 
Not another secular response to a beautiful old thing called a Cathedral? No, just a little place I found in South Hobart, near the rivulet. You just don't get this feeling in Woolworths. A small revision - let me know what you think.
Editing stage: 

Comments

I could see it clearly in the picture you painted here.
Never ever in Woolworth LOL!
Wonderful write!

Eddie C.

LIFE ISN'T ABOUT WAITING FOR THE STORM TO PASS
IT'S ABOUT LEARNING HOW TO DANCE IN THE RAIN.
VIVIAN GREENE

I'm glad the imagery worked, I love these old places, churches, graveyards, old masonic halls; seldom visited, all worthy of description. In the mad rush through the short life we have, I'm amazed more aren't curious, even if they find it taboo, and are either agnostic (which means make your mind up) or atheist like me - but still with a sense of awe in these places, their beauty and how it can make you feel, the numinous pleasure derived in the light that falls through those windows, a poem in every place you see.

Take care.

Chris.

Chris Hall - Tasmania

Grossbooted draymen rolled barrels dullthudding out of Prince's stores and bumped them up on the brewery float. On the brewery float bumped dullthudding barrels rolled by grossbooted draymen out of Prince's stores.

author comment

Only one thing bothers me to do with the layout
I wonder if you think it might read better in 3 stanzas of eight verses rather than six of four....?
I only suggest you consider, as I found the lack of juxtoposition of the third and fourth stanzas offputting - like having to turn the page of a music score....
I do think the first and second, and fifth and sixth stanzas work together....
lol do I waffle....

I love the descriptive of this write....
enjoyed the journey and the message
love judy
xxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

as I am, I took yours on board judy, and did a little re-write, added a few, took a few words to ease the bumps in the road. My intention is never to be metrically perfect, unless i'm stating so, but I can hear an underlying pulse now. Perhaps the universe is speaking to me! Or I've just lost my mind because of all the pollies on the telly :)
Thanks you for your sage advice, thoughtful as always.

Take care,
Chris.

Chris Hall - Tasmania

Grossbooted draymen rolled barrels dullthudding out of Prince's stores and bumped them up on the brewery float. On the brewery float bumped dullthudding barrels rolled by grossbooted draymen out of Prince's stores.

author comment

It reads more smoothly I think...

I do believe I preferred 'precious' to 'rare' ....
- for the aesthetics of the sound, as well as for the images conjured.... (lol - perhaps just me, but 'precious' conjures 'special' wheras 'rare' conjures 'unique', but not necessarily 'special')

Also preferred 'hum' to 'hub'
- for the following lines
'I stopped to look, I started listening,
and that was enough.....'
- you'd listen to the hum more than the hub.....

Love judy
xxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

A bit more chipping away, and hopefully i'm getting closer :) - hum is back in, as is precious a little more succinctly, hopefully reads better, done and done..!

Thanks Jude,

Take care.

Chris Hall - Tasmania

Grossbooted draymen rolled barrels dullthudding out of Prince's stores and bumped them up on the brewery float. On the brewery float bumped dullthudding barrels rolled by grossbooted draymen out of Prince's stores.

author comment

One final comment - lol you must be sick of me by now....
do you need 'place' after sepulchre?
xxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

i was going to be really pretentious and use sepulchre as a verb ;)

OK place goes, and we'll call it even!

Take care.

(you're right of course - good to have someone as accomplished looking over my shoulder!)

Chris Hall - Tasmania

Grossbooted draymen rolled barrels dullthudding out of Prince's stores and bumped them up on the brewery float. On the brewery float bumped dullthudding barrels rolled by grossbooted draymen out of Prince's stores.

author comment

I liked it all but the final stanza even more..

Regards,

raj (sublime_ocean)

Thanks for your kind words, thanks for spotting that, I/We all need to listen more, to each other, regardless of backgrounds, beliefs etc. I think this mutual respect amongst all people,poets, workers - whoever we are is the key...

Chris Hall - Tasmania

Grossbooted draymen rolled barrels dullthudding out of Prince's stores and bumped them up on the brewery float. On the brewery float bumped dullthudding barrels rolled by grossbooted draymen out of Prince's stores.

author comment

Raj

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet is a workshop. Poets take the time to read and think about your work and offer suggestions.
There is no obligation to make any changes however please acknowledge critique and comments.

My apologies, its not out of ignorance, or anything else (my email inbox is woefully neglected, in part due to my lack of access, in part due to my lifestyle). You ask why, I ask, why not? Now more than ever, we need to be listening to people who can engage and connect, not just post stuff, reactionary stuff, in an environment where reason seems to be departing, that's all I was getting at.

Cheers Elf,

Chris.

Chris Hall - Tasmania

Grossbooted draymen rolled barrels dullthudding out of Prince's stores and bumped them up on the brewery float. On the brewery float bumped dullthudding barrels rolled by grossbooted draymen out of Prince's stores.

author comment

but be consoled that it's only because I love this write so much...
I wonder if it would be more powerful even, if it was all written in the present tense....
bear with me :-)

I brake my sudden spring in step, to still
and slow, so I can take in precious things,
windows that hang like jewels, dark and shiny
to one confined inside this world.
Within a prism break of colour that
adorns each corner of this silent
sepulchre, reaching with a minor rainbow
light landing, leaping on gilded saints.

In bronze tribunes, I trace the outline
of things past, I cannot tell meaning, yet
the mystery holds me here
in this great cavernous swell
of dark and light shafts, pure bright
falling on flagstones, pews
curtained velvet screens
secreted rooms, things unseen.

To the silent one, solitary ear
this room speaks volumes
in rich bourbon tones we call
a numinous mystery.
Sacred, secular, neither, either
here present in the hum of the universe
I stop to look, I start listening,
and that's enough.

Love judy
xxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

I think we can call it a collaborative renovation job! I took your present tense, as I think it personalized and softened the overall feel, and I changed a few things to like "break" to "arc" as it felt less clunky and in keeping with the theme.
Thanks for your help on this :) - do you think we can call it a done deal?

Seriously thanks for the input.

Take care.

Chris.

Chris Hall - Tasmania

Grossbooted draymen rolled barrels dullthudding out of Prince's stores and bumped them up on the brewery float. On the brewery float bumped dullthudding barrels rolled by grossbooted draymen out of Prince's stores.

author comment

oops, posted my reply to you as a new comment, see below..

Chris Hall - Tasmania

Grossbooted draymen rolled barrels dullthudding out of Prince's stores and bumped them up on the brewery float. On the brewery float bumped dullthudding barrels rolled by grossbooted draymen out of Prince's stores.

author comment
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