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I shaved my head and beard today

I shaved my head and beard today
but it didn’t take away
the feeling I had crawled
recently from a dumpster,
although I felt meaner.
And a little colder.

the sun is going down,
the wine is running red,
I'm feeling awake,
someone else might soon be dead.

Meaner and colder
is fine by me
a life lived in lead
is the final dread.

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Last few words: 
Jusst playing here, it might lead to something. This is where a 'Workspace' would be useful http://www.neopoet.com/idea/your-own-workspace-neopoet
Editing stage: 

Comments

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet is a workshop. Poets take the time to read and think about your work and offer suggestions.
There is no obligation to make any changes however please acknowledge critique and comments.

author comment

interesting write

i personally would totally cull
‘someone else might soon be dead.
… dead and well fed,
going to bed’

also I would lose ‘suckers’
then I would think this write awesome

love judy
xxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

but just find another way to say suckers
ta

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet is a workshop. Poets take the time to read and think about your work and offer suggestions.
There is no obligation to make any changes however please acknowledge critique and comments.

author comment

are you using 'suckers' ?
'humbug' or 'twits /fools' ?
xxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

dead and well fed,
going to bed,
waking with dread,
life set in lead,

are the suckers, fools, not living at all, company people, consumerists, think anyone not living a life of self determination and thought, madness and excess.

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet is a workshop. Poets take the time to read and think about your work and offer suggestions.
There is no obligation to make any changes however please acknowledge critique and comments.

author comment

then what do you think of 'pigeons' ?
xxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

what else?

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet is a workshop. Poets take the time to read and think about your work and offer suggestions.
There is no obligation to make any changes however please acknowledge critique and comments.

author comment

To see you sitting there on a toadstool with your bare head and no beard it really is a terrifying thing, this makes a change for you to go on the Dark side LOL.
I notice that you have started a line with "And" this always seems to be an extra, even on this one it can be dropped, but what or how does it affect the poem...Liked the terrifying thoughts you put there though..

I have answered your "Workspace" Idea but can't see where the answer went..
My Son made one of these for me where I am putting all my work on at the moment and those that I wish to be seen are there about 1600 pieces that are being seen by the public, the others, are in as you say draft mode for me to work on, it is a great Idea, hope others ask for it..
Great to see that you are on top line you take things easy as you are responsible for YOU, Yours Ian.T

.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

your answer went into the personal workspace suggestion, I just saw it there

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet is a workshop. Poets take the time to read and think about your work and offer suggestions.
There is no obligation to make any changes however please acknowledge critique and comments.

author comment

I notice that you have started a line with "And" this always seems to be an extra, even on this one it can be dropped, but what or how does it affect the poem...
I try not to do this but is it acceptable in the run of things ??????????
Yours Ian

.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

was carefully chosen and used. Read the poem without it, quite different, yes?

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet is a workshop. Poets take the time to read and think about your work and offer suggestions.
There is no obligation to make any changes however please acknowledge critique and comments.

author comment

with the And in there it sounds gentler without the cold is more severe,
Then this is just a choice not a grammar thing, and acceptable.
Thanks for your time , Yours Ian

.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

I am sorry, seems I have missed the message behind . Any clues I would really be grateful...

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

Follow me
www.instgram.com/rularules1

now?

It's basically about excessive life choices and feelings, or the lack thereof.

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet is a workshop. Poets take the time to read and think about your work and offer suggestions.
There is no obligation to make any changes however please acknowledge critique and comments.

author comment

for the clarification .I can hardly notice any difference. Have you done any
editing? If yes,I should believe that either you are
so dark in your writing or I have a problem in interpreting due
to different cultural backgrounds or probably for BOTH :-)
Don't worry , I am sure it is only me..

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

Follow me
www.instgram.com/rularules1

If you look above the title you will see a tab called 'Revisions'. If you click on that you can track the progress of the poem through its various revisions.

I'm sorry you find this darkly obscure. It is dark for sure, but to put it another way it's about feeling anything at all under depression and comparing that to other people's lives that seem depressingly ordinary, it seems to me sometimes living in a dumpster would be better.

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet is a workshop. Poets take the time to read and think about your work and offer suggestions.
There is no obligation to make any changes however please acknowledge critique and comments.

author comment

that helps indeed..I'll have a look there and see. This interpretation was
really the first thing I got when I read it the first time and that's why I decided to post my little rant~*~clean?~*~ which might not 100% related but still have something in common..I believe,
I wanted to show how can positive attitude sweep away that sense of depression if that makes any sense .

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

Follow me
www.instgram.com/rularules1

in the very neurochemistry of their brain suggesting having a "positive attitude" is like telling a paraplegic to just keep walking. There are lots of things to do besides medication but just suggesting to have a positive attitude betrays a deep ignorance of the condition.

The other side of the poem is that even depression is better than ordinary. I think I'll leave this one for a while, maybe try another tack.

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet is a workshop. Poets take the time to read and think about your work and offer suggestions.
There is no obligation to make any changes however please acknowledge critique and comments.

author comment

trying to understand
the hidden meaning
cloaked in this immensely
wonderful poem
even I Sir

loved

And spot on.
What do you think now?

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet is a workshop. Poets take the time to read and think about your work and offer suggestions.
There is no obligation to make any changes however please acknowledge critique and comments.

author comment

i really like the edit

with
'Meaner and colder
is fine by me
It's too easy to moulder.
a life lived in lead
is the final dread.'
??
- too much rhyme still - moulder seems forced (imho of course :) )
I'd turn to mould.
in a life lived in lead
that's what I dread.'

love judy
xxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

and I've deleted that line, but still not real happy with the poem.

I might put this one in the 'experiments' pile.

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet is a workshop. Poets take the time to read and think about your work and offer suggestions.
There is no obligation to make any changes however please acknowledge critique and comments.

author comment

because Elf I too once shaved my head
would be like writing poetry with a list of words
not to use

how would that change it
Or write in another personality entirety

when the most weirdest thing to do sometimes
is to just change!!1

amaing

thank You

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