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I remember You
Perchance have we met
perhaps on another ethereal plain
your voice I remember
but the face is not the same
Per chance have we met
in another world afar
I remember the voice
but know not who you are
in soft vibrations humming
I hear your voice whisper in the
overhead wires
the sound is the same
but the image will not remain
who then are you and where are you now
I remember the voice
yet images escape somehow
Voices I knew,seem to ring true
images blur to what we once were
Visions unclear
to once held dear
all to be lost forever
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Last few words:
Plain ( simple or lowlands
Plane a flat surface or short for airplane
so in tis use they are equal
Editing stage:
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Comments
Trouble
Sat, 2020-01-25 21:37
friendship
dear c lynn i have been on this site for 9 year i am a rhymer with my poems i like to keep the flow the same but i am not educated enough to point out your mistakes hell i have a hard time spelling . but i love this poem you will be my first friend i would like to write a poem with you
c lynn brooks
Sun, 2020-01-26 14:13
Prss
I do remember you. Thank you for your input. PM me about a co write
Chrys
Chrys
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author commentEumolpus
Sat, 2020-01-25 22:47
nice poem
I/the reader can relate to that feeling of a deju vu about someone, a surreal feeling.
I like the on off rhymes and rhythms, both work smoothly without being overly conscious without a specific form.
The last stanza, that most important finish, was not effective to me. The shortened lines, the slant rhyme at the end, sounds flat, and the content of the stanza confuses me. To once HOLD (not held) dear...but why lost forever? These chance meetings can repeat themselves, ghosts from our past or our dreams...i felt the poem better without the last stanza ending:
Voices I knew seem to ring true
images blur to what we once were.
You don't need the one comma, i took it out.
An eerie poem. Nice one.
..
Eumolpus
I'd rather learn from one bird how to sing
than teach ten thousand stars how not to dance
ee cummings
c lynn brooks
Sun, 2020-01-26 14:17
Eu
Coming from you (lol) I will take your comments. I really wish to keep the last stanza in. Thank you for your generous comments
Chrys
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author commentc lynn brooks
Sun, 2020-01-26 14:19
Jerry
Thank you so much for the visit and the comments
Chrys
Chrys
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author commentGeezer
Sun, 2020-01-26 12:47
This reminds me...
of something I wrote about someone who has Alzheimer's Syndrome. Is that what it is about? if it is, it was very effective. As Eumie says, the last verse is not as good as it could be. I know that many times, I say that less is more and that you should never be afraid to cut something out, but I feel that it could add something to the wistfulness of the last thought. Consider fleshing it out a bit! ~ Geezer.
.
There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.
c lynn brooks
Sun, 2020-01-26 14:21
Gee
Thank you. What or how would you flesh it out? Any suggestions?
Chrys
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author commentGeezer
Mon, 2020-01-27 11:06
This is how...
I would do it, if you want to use it, be my guest.
The vision's unclear
Of what I held dear
All to be lost in forever
Not much, but I think it has a bit more meat to it, it doesn't seem like it's just thrown in there for the ending. ~ Gee.
.
There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.
Edna Sweetlove
Sun, 2020-01-26 13:12
Slightly eerie..
..and nicely written.
PS: Perchance is but one word not two!
PPS: In line 2 I think you mean "plane" not "plain"!
.
xxx
Edna
Poet(ess) to the Stars
c lynn brooks
Sun, 2020-01-26 14:30
Edna
thank you
plain and plane can mean lowlands or a flat surface
Yes it was meant to be eerie have fixed perchance
Chrys
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author commentEdna Sweetlove
Sun, 2020-01-26 18:14
Plain = an area of flat land
Plain = an area of flat land with few trees, eg. the Great Plains of the Midwest
Plane = (geometry) a flat surface on which a straight line joining any two points eg the vertical plane
or in this case, a level of existence, thought, or development eg "connected on the spirtual plane", or "after death some people hope to meet again on another plane".
The two aren't interchangeable!
.
xxx
Edna
Poet(ess) to the Stars
Edna Sweetlove
Mon, 2020-01-27 18:56
Plane/
NOT plain.
xxx
Edna
Poet(ess) to the Stars
c lynn brooks
Tue, 2020-01-28 11:28
I am using it as a noun or landform the end
As an adjective, "plain" refers to anything that is simple, uncomplicated, common, or obvious. The noun "plain" refers to a flat, usually treeless stretch of land. Plains are one of the world's major landforms and are essential for large-scale agriculture. One of the most famous examples is the Atlantic Coastal Plain, which extends along the East Coast of the United States.
As an adverb, "plain" acts as an intensifier, placing emphasis on what is typically a negative quality (for example, "that was just plain dumb").
Chrys
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author commentEdna Sweetlove
Tue, 2020-01-28 12:30
I give up...
...trying to help you. I can see now you actually meant:-
"Perchance have we met perhaps on another flat, usually treeless stretch of land."
xxx
Edna
Poet(ess) to the Stars
scribbler
Tue, 2020-01-28 14:32
Hi Lynn
It's almost impossible to use a word that sounds exactly like another which has a different meaning while trying to convey both meanings. I see clearly that you intend the reader to picture Both a plain and a plane but not everybody will.
Now to that last stanza. The most memorable parts of most poems are the beginning (which hooks the reader) and the end (which usually sums up the poem). So getting the end just right is important.. Maybe something like :
visions become unclear
of those we held dear
until all that's left
are vague vibrations of love
I don't mean for you to copy this verbatim, it's just an attempt to open you to a new way to end this poem....stan
c lynn brooks
Tue, 2020-01-28 14:50
Stan
you seemed to have echoed my words I use when I teach your first line hooks the reader as with the title it draws them in.
Your version might work if I were writing about a loved one. I am not , the entity in this case is unclear to me ,like a vague memory of someone I knew.
I am changing the first line since it confuses people by just adding one word
Chrys
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