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I Remember, I Remember
I remember , I remember
the place where I was born,
the essence of the holy heaven
embraced to bless my home.
The darker nights there ripened to
a brighter rainbow days,
to paint upon the worn out walls
a candy- polished glaze.
I remember , I remember
how then I hung around
the Arabian Oud’s smoldering
with the best scents around;
so glorious was the essence then
and lingers e'er after,
maintaining happy memories
and a much delicious laughter.
I remember, I remember
that peace had nestled where
I lived, not long before the wars
had filled with death the air.
No roses in the wild grow now;
just grass and some windflowers
are watered there with martyrs' blood
which now and then form showers.
I remember, I remember
the dreams I drew with wings.
I used to think they’d all come true
and blossom as does Spring.
That showed my childhood’s ignorance,
and now they are a burl;
it's harder to recall them than
when I was just a girl.
Inspired by Thomas Hood's "I remember, I remember"
Here, please enjoy
http://www.poetryfoundation.org/poems-and-poets/poems/detail/44387
Style / type:
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing stage:
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Jordan
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Comments
Roscoe Lane
Sun, 2016-05-15 01:16
Excellent,
Excellent, really beautiful and sad, true emotion from your great poetry. Love Roscoe...
Roscoe Llane,
Religion will rip your faith off, and return
for the mask of disbelief that's left.
Rula
Sun, 2016-05-15 11:10
Rosco
thank you. This is a compliment that I really appreciate.
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author commentSparrow
Sun, 2016-05-15 04:14
Rula
Beautifully written and a lot of nostalgia gained from memories sharpness..
Take care young Lady and look after you,
Yours Ian..x
.
Give critique to help keep Neopoet great.
Unconditional love to you all.
"Learn to love yourself first"
Yours as always, Ian.T, Sparrow, and Yenti
Rula
Sun, 2016-05-15 11:12
Thank you
dear Ian for your supporting words. Highly appreciate your kind visit.
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author commentjane210660
Sun, 2016-05-15 04:40
Beautiful. Jx
Beautiful. Jx
------------
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Don't forget to offer critique on poems you read.
Rula
Sun, 2016-05-15 11:12
Thank you
dear Jane.
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author commentbrittle light
Sun, 2016-05-15 12:15
Hi Rula
This has a special feel about it...touching, and graceful
may I suggest one thing...2nd stanza, 4th line "where the best scents are found"
or "where the best scents abound"
to avoid "around" being repeated so close together.
I'm sure there are other ways to do it, just thought I'd bring it to your attention.
I'm sure you will find a way to work it out...or leave as it is (I'm not THAT fussy)
just me,
Al
Rula
Mon, 2016-05-16 14:29
Al
Many thanks for your lovely words.
I have to say I didn't like the repetition either but I need to think about the alternative. Your suggestions are under study for the soonest .
Appreciate it highly.
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author commentKeith Logan
Sun, 2016-05-15 13:24
Bravo
What a wonderful gift memory can be. This oozes both beauty and profundity. Only one potential nit, second verse, last line the "a" may be redundant.
Keith Logan
the happy chappy
https://www.neopoet.com/community-guidelines
Rula
Mon, 2016-05-16 14:31
Mr. Logan
so kind of you. I'll look into that 'a' thing in my final edits.
Always grateful for a thoughtful feedback.
Thanks.
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author commentraj
Sun, 2016-05-15 13:25
very nice ring to this poem
very nice ring to this poem Rula as well as innocence of youth is felt...
perhaps you forgot to add "in" here
had filled with death[in] the air.
of course it could be because of that meter thing or some such thing about which I know precious little or nothing...
raj (sublime_ocean)
Rula
Mon, 2016-05-16 14:34
dear Raj
You always come to say kind things that would encourage me and motivate my appetite for writing.
Your suggestion is spot on and will be taken seriously.
Much appreciation.
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author commentjudyanne
Mon, 2016-05-16 00:11
i really like this Rula
Only one thing jarred for me - the use of the word 'scents' in the second stanza
I think 'perfume' sounds more poetic, and the meter fits better imo
Love judy
xxx
'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)
Rula
Mon, 2016-05-16 14:39
Judy
Always great to hear from you. Between 'scents' and 'perfume' I feel a bit lost (I think Ian mentioned this once for me). Always great to get an expert free of charge consultation :)
Thank you dear
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author commentSparrow
Mon, 2016-05-16 19:20
Rula
Quite right young Lady, A what I call a weed word, Perfume has a lovey aroma, scent is what a bloodhound follows, lol.
Take care out there love you all, Yours Ian..x
.
Give critique to help keep Neopoet great.
Unconditional love to you all.
"Learn to love yourself first"
Yours as always, Ian.T, Sparrow, and Yenti
Esker
Mon, 2016-05-16 14:37
Listening to LADYTRON's "Blue Jeans"
a calming element to my day
then the brusque heavy metal
a calmer mood
This expressive
descriptive poem
about memory is
distinct and refined
and definitive
so very real
and the read was
smooth and
enjoyable on
this hour for me
In need of the less
rattled
Thank U Rula !
Rula
Mon, 2016-05-16 14:43
Mr. Esker
So kind of you to say what you have just said.
Coming from you, it means a lot!
Thank you!!
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