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I like to pretend.

A poem died inside of me
A little while ago
Written by that little bird
Who lives inside my heart

And I like to pretend
That it was never there at all
I like to pretend
That I'm still alive
Without it

I like to pretend
That I can ever write another like it
Myself

That it doesn't echo back at me
Through the aching in my bones
That it doesn't croak
Like the worn-out stairs
of regret

But I know
More than well
That I am still shedding its ashes
through my tears
And I know
More than well
It never really died
To begin with

But
it's easier to say it did
And it's easy because
No one really asks about it
Anymore

Except the little bird who wrote it
Withering away
In its early tomb
Buried beneath the lifeless life
I've used to ignore its chirps

I like to pretend
I've forgotten the mellifluous voice
That used to lull me to sleep

I like to pretend
But I'm not very good at it
And neither are you.

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Editing stage: 
Content level: 
Not Explicit Content

Comments

Excellent piece! The stanzas are relatively connected. And it maintained it's usuall rhytm.

"Poetic license
gives
the poets
the free will to
embroider a good tale
and deviate from the established rules of language"~Jackweb

Really appreciate you taking the time for taking the time to read and reply! Thanks :)

author comment

a good poem. you get your point across well. a few suggestions:

remove the word, "and" at the beginning of the second verse.
remove "that at beginning at the start of the fourth verse.
actually you could remove all of the "thats" from the poem
the last line doesn't sit well with me.

*hugs, Cat

When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.

I see how that would help improve the poem's quality. I wasn't too sure I worded the last line well either. Thank you for your reply, I really appreciate it!

author comment

you are very welcome!

*hugs, Cat

When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.

with Candlewitch, the overall poem is pretty darned good! I would delete the word [life] from the line: "buried beneath the lifeless [life] and maybe use [soul]? Nothing much else that I would do with this one. Pretty good! [Yes, get rid of all those [thats]. ~ Geezer.
.

It seems that the days and hours that people
are available for chatroom are staggered and
not a good match for most everyone. How about
if everyone just shows up at the door, whenever
they have a few free minutes?

I agree that it would make it less repetitive. Its been very helpful getting others opinions so thanks for your feedback!

author comment
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