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I Once Composed A Poem Come Closer TO ME

''Come Closer to Me.''
An old friend of ours
in the neighborhood played the violin
whole night for unlimited hours

After two kids
his only love now
was his violin
something that only
a true musician would know
The whole world heard
it in these moments
his fingers would brace her face
as his violin
her hair- the strings
his eyes would look no where
with his lips
he kissed the violin as hers

hairs stood up
of those who his violin did purse

he continued to play
as I sang that day

''Come Closer TO ME.''

Then he silently smiled
to simply pass away

Style / type: 
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing stage: 
Content level: 
Not Explicit Content

Comments

Hiya mate,
But for the first line, "It is a known fact there is no smoke without a fire" (A tad cliché)
and the inversion in "of those who his violin did purse"
I really like this piece; I think its well worth pursuing further.

Obi.

It happened years ago
now I too am in that row

author comment

You're still here!! It's so nice to see a friendly face. How are you? I'm not going to cut your poem to bits. Well not today anyway lol I'm still find my words again myself lol

Love and hugs Jayne x

("Always and Forever") - (Never lose a holy curiosity.-Albert Einstein)

Please do whenever thanks

author comment

I am hardly one to mince words or ideas
when it comes to critique!
I like your theme a lot and feel that
it would be in your best interest
to delete a couple of words here and there
to make this smoother.

You have expressed the thought of his
love for his violin twice within a couple of lines.
I would try something like:

After two kids
his only love now
was his violin
something that only
a true musician would know
The whole world heard
it in these moments

his fingers would...

The rest is great!

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GEEEZ

author comment

Would that we could all die doing what we love. I'm only suggest you read this out loud. It will be easy then to determine the few tiny changes needed

this one has already fused

author comment

as u LIKE IT

author comment

Is beneficial. I try to remember to read all my work out loud, so often there are things that only come to light with that work being spoken.

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Raywhitakerblog.wordpress.com
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I also know where was/IS the off mark
not too well '
so this week perhaps
and AS I compose I keep speaking ALOUD
that's why I call myself a poet
Would you Ray
only six decades of poetry limitless

author comment

My reading aloud seems to help me some
Writing mine, It gets confused
Lost in a jungle
Of perhaps too many words
I do not count syllables
As if in a creative writing curriculum
Somehow I rebel against that conformity
Being disciplined about being undisciplined

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Raywhitakerblog.wordpress.com
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And I don't know how
so I sing along
more learned guys like you
beat me
can't you edit it
Here
see I'll do it
especially for you
as ur
LOVED LY

author comment
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