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I like the mystery of spring
I like the mystery of spring
transparent veil of leaves and lines
the only time when I can see
the glints of sunny daffodils,
the mist of sleepy melted ground.
I like the mystery of spring
when screeching of the geese returns
with children laughter on playground,
when boiling moss wins over frost,
new grass, new secrets, hopes and love
in green rotating gyre drown.
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Matsuo Bashō, Sylvia Plath, Charles Bukowski, TS Eliot, William Carlos Williams, Joseph Brodsky, Boris Pasternak, DH Lawrence, Robert Frost
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Comments
weirdelf
Fri, 2018-04-13 16:40
So very near perfect indeed!
I like/ the myst/ery/ of spring
transpar/ent veil/ of leaves/ and lines
the on/ly time/ when I/ can see
the glints/ of sunn/y daff/odils,
the mist/ of sleep/y melt/ed ground.
I like/ the myst/ery/ of spring
when screech/ing of/ the geese/ returns
with child/ren laugh/ter on/ playground, [playground- Trochee]
when boil/ing moss/ wins ov/er frost,
new grass/, new se/crets, hopes/ and love
in green/ rotat/ing gyre/ drown. [Catalepsis]
cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry
weirdelf
Fri, 2018-04-13 16:43
Just those two tiny deviations are all I could spot.
You clearly know your Iambic Tetrameter!
Please contribute your thoughts on the workshop thread whilst we wait for everyone else to catch up.
cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry
raj
Fri, 2018-04-13 16:49
IRiz
Once again I wont comment on conformance aspect with the nuances of iambic tetrameter because honestly I am not qualified to do so...however from a layman perspective I can vouch that you have created a picture of Spring in its glory..yes...i too love the mystery of Spring which infuses so much of energy and I could feel that energy in your creation...
a pleasure read...
...........................................
raj (sublime_ocean)
IRiz
Sat, 2018-04-14 09:23
Hello dear Raj.
Hello dear Raj.
Thank you for your nice words.
Enjoy the spring!
IRiz
author commentweirdelf
Fri, 2018-04-13 19:40
Oh, Irene,
Why not edit this and select the 'Basic and Essential Meter' workshop. It is ideal for your Iambic contribution.
cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry
IRiz
Sat, 2018-04-14 09:21
Thank you for reading my
Thank you for reading my scribbling,
Breaking the flow in the bold and unmarked
Helps to feel the meter. Makes it easy
learning, writing rhythmic musical poems. Sincerely, IRiz.
IRiz
author commentlovedly
Mon, 2018-04-30 19:12
daffodils
Wordsworth is known for it
and you know it
IRiz
Wed, 2018-05-02 07:42
Not really
Not really
I don't read enough poetry
IRiz
author commentEumolpus
Tue, 2018-05-01 00:57
some very good images
that paint a lovely picture of spring. "sleepy melted ground" etc. nice stuff.
I would only question the word "like". which lacks passion connected to the "mystery of spring "... adore, cherish, enrapture, delight in...I think "like" is a weak word, and a key word in this short poem.I don't think "love" works either, for different reasons...
I'm not paying attention to meter counts, only the charging of words. There are many nicely charged words and images in the poem such as "screeching geese" .
..
Eumolpus
I'd rather learn from one bird how to sing
than teach ten thousand stars how not to dance
ee cummings
weirdelf
Tue, 2018-05-01 05:46
Do you know meter, Mark?
Irene submitted this to the 'Basic and Essential Meter' workshop
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/basic-and-essential-meter
That's why I parsed it.
Sounds like the workshop would do you no harm.
cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry
IRiz
Tue, 2018-05-01 08:50
Hello Mark,
Hello Mark,
Sometimes small word is all one needs to say.
Like is similar to yes and no.
Would you agree that these words are the most precise? The rest of the poem tells why I like the spring, it open the word and gives it a specific meaning in a way that at the end it is clear how I feel about the season of change.
Thank you for reading my lines. Have a great day.
IRiz
author commentmand
Tue, 2018-05-01 01:57
HI IRiz
Just a couple of glitches, as Jess says - love the imagery, so many mind pleasing lines, "when boiling moss wins over frost". I think you have captured the joy of spring so very well.
Love to you :)
Mand xxx
IRiz
Tue, 2018-05-01 08:44
Hello Mand,
Hello Mand,
Thank you for reading my poem.
Glad that you liked my lines and probably share my passion for change to warmer seasons.
I am looking forward to reading your works.
Best wishes, IRiz.
IRiz
author commentmand
Tue, 2018-05-01 10:22
:)
1st of May - and it's freezing! :( Swallows are late arriving home - Lovely to feel some warmth in your poem. :)
IRiz
Wed, 2018-05-02 18:36
I am glad you came across my
I am glad you came across my lines.
Today feels like summer here.
I am enjoying long walk in the town.
I live in the woods about thirty miles north,
so seeing all the people in summer dresses,
shorts and stylish sunglasses,
all the sudden abundance of the town lawns, bloom and greenery climbing the old brick walls and bridge pylons, runners, kids on skateboards,
old ladies sun dried apples on a stroll,
all in all feels sweet and warm, like a first day of may.
IRiz
author commentmand
Wed, 2018-05-02 03:09
Sounds wonderful! - usually
Sounds wonderful! - usually here in South Wales May is much warmer than it is now and the swallows arrive during around mid April - the flowers are blooming, as is norm, but, this year has held on to the cold weather, we've even had our heating on, it's that cold. I'm glad to say the weather forecast is that the temperature is set to warm up next week, so absolutely looking forward to next week! :)
Thanks for your reply.
Keep safe xxxxxx
Mand xxx
IRiz
Wed, 2018-05-02 07:38
Thank you from across the
Thank you from across the ocean:)
IRiz
author commentlovedly
Tue, 2018-05-01 12:28
daffodils
you AGAIN skipped
coz
its 01 May still
IRiz
Tue, 2018-05-01 14:32
???
???
IRiz
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