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I Morph Alone

Submitted by docmaverick on Sat, 2011-06-25 05:01

My lone, solitary confinement
when surounded by a crowd,
feels very odd, and alienesque
and too much to be allowed.

For in the grandest scheme of things
my compass point's not true,
all this time I've relied upon
a certain honesty from you.

Fooled into believing
we were both on the same page;
the trust that I most cherished
had morphed into a hurtful rage!

The tendrils of time did trick me
and then reached around my back,
started squeezing the life from me
as if I were under attack!

Tomorrow never promises
to be neither great, nor trite,
but one time I sure wish that it
would treat me somewhat, right!

Exactly why does fate want me
to mourn, and suffer all the while?
When all I've ever wanted was
to cause your heart to smile!

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft

Comments

MichelleK

Sun, 2011-06-26 08:25

MichelleK's picture

Nice poem:).
Here are a few tweaks I suggest.

In the first stanza there are a few words that are redundant and when omitted make the poem more powerful. Here is the stanza without the redundant words:

My confinement
when surounded by a crowd,
alienesque
and too much to be allowed.

The word 'hurtful' is redundant in this line:
" had morphed into a hurtful rage!"

Rage is already associated with violence and pain.

My second that this line is a bit cliche:
"we were both on the same page"

I think you need to lose this line or rewrite it. What does it actually mean to be on the same page? It's a linked understanding, try to rewrite this sentence without using any banal images or words.

A nice poem overall, can't wait to see it revised and workshopped more thoroughly!

Good work:)!

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