Join the Neopoet online poetry workshop and community to improve as a writer, meet fellow poets, and showcase your work. Sign up, submit your poetry, and get started.

I miss you brother!

Now the man who shares my DNA
Suddenly had to fly away
And the greatest brother of them all
Couldn’t pick up one missed call.

Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
[This option has been removed]
Editing stage: 

Comments

that you had given some sort of explanation as to why your brother has left and why he couldn't/wouldn't pick up/ return your last call. Nice theme, but needs some expansion. ~ Geezer.

The addition of a premium-membership can:
Help you navigate the site easier, change and create the look of your profile-page!
Just see what you can do! Add a bit of flavor to your profile and kick it up a notch!

What do you miss about your brother? Sounds like unfinished business...things not said etc., Loss is a good theme to mine...If you read my works, you'll see I dig through to the mother-load on that one!

Use word choices-lexis- to underpin your ideas....'DNA', genes, blueprint,family trait
'fly-away', spirit, flight, abandon, rush

An so on...you have a curious skeleton of an idea...drape it with language.

Regards,
Ellie

(c) Neopoet.com. No copyright is claimed by Neopoet to original member content.