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I miss you brother!

Submitted by scooby on Tue, 2018-01-16 00:17

Now the man who shares my DNA
Suddenly had to fly away
And the greatest brother of them all
Couldn’t pick up one missed call.

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Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft

Comments

Geezer

Tue, 2018-01-16 09:51

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that you had given some sort of explanation as to why your brother has left and why he couldn't/wouldn't pick up/ return your last call. Nice theme, but needs some expansion. ~ Geezer.

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BettyBuff

Tue, 2018-01-16 22:51

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What do you miss about your brother? Sounds like unfinished business...things not said etc., Loss is a good theme to mine...If you read my works, you'll see I dig through to the mother-load on that one!

Use word choices-lexis- to underpin your ideas....'DNA', genes, blueprint,family trait
'fly-away', spirit, flight, abandon, rush

An so on...you have a curious skeleton of an idea...drape it with language.

Regards,
Ellie

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