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I hate Mother's Day

Its been over 27 years coming
this missive or letter,
maybe poem ?

I HATE Mother’s day !!
with a passion ... I've said it ...
The sheer relief is palpitating
a load of my mind, and body,
slithers away peacefully knowingly,
just to see those words in writing,
Actually I find the words out of reach
to express my utter relief, just now

Don’t get me wrong,
It’s not that I don’t love or
want to celebrate my mother
or lack feeling for her
Oh ! it’s completely the opposite

Not only does it remind me what I miss (her)
but it also reminds me, what,
what I always felt I lacked
(as a mother I mean), and I've felt
it for many years, since my first

My mother and hers and my father and his
set the standards so high, so very high
that I thought hey, I'm smart ?
I can be a mother a better mother
like no other, like no other indeed !

I remember receiving gifts
being overwhelmed with joy
that first mother’s day
I was graced with that love
and all those crazy
Motherly emotions, we mothers feel
I felt gratitude for all that
and so much more

But then doubt crawled into mind
setting up house, making a home
that would last the whole lifetime
of my eldest son, until these past
days filled with agony, measured
no longer in minutes or hours
but in each moment of pain

I felt I hadn’t been there enough
I knew, or thought I knew
I hadn't loved them 'enough'
or soothed their pains
or made their bed 'enough',
Jesus, the shit I poured
down my own back

I lack many things, though
I had wisp of a dream
that hope would win,
I'd be a mother, like my own
but that wasn't to be

life changed like a hurricane
I lived one life and then
another took its place
no better or worse,
just different

my children never went without,
then they did for more years
than the former, I felt the pain
each time I said 'no' but always
tried to rob Peter paying Paul his due
and went without, yes even food

then slowly as times sands swiftly
drew threw the hourglass
they all left, got jobs, found love
and made lives without me,
I never get to see them much
some more than others

over time it’s taken its toll
I thought lack of contact
spoke about the mother I was
how much I was loved
I was right,
it was saying something
just not what I thought

I have saved two of mine
from the very hands of death,
I have went without sleep
for more reasons than I care to list
I have answered the phone
in the dead of night
spoken about everything
and nothing

I missed a call to bail a man out
but alas it was the one night
I have known the hands of sleep
all night, for a very long time
so I forgive myself, even if he doesn't

I have slaved and went without sleep
Christmas night, just to see their
little faces in the morning
I always tried my best hoping
and praying, yes praying !,
(to that one in the second row
Saying, "I always knew she prayed")

Some will take a shot at a guess
at why I write this just now this close
to a day that should be celebrated
for all mothers the good ones and the bad

It’s because even a bad mother can love
with every fiber of her beautiful soul,
even a bad mother can be a good mother
on those days that end with a child’s peace

As my days trickle to hours and minutes
I know mothers never ever stop being mothers
yes even the bad ones, can love forever
with passion that burns from her womb

There is a feeling that only a mother can feel
and I don’t mean just birth mothers,
I mean all mothers Biological or not
they all feel it in their hearts and minds
in their bodies and souls
even the children she gave homes to
(but not life), in doing so
is giving a life to without
knowing first breath,
and yet still carry with them a love
they will always bare
then as times hand lays his head
and says enough, she is gone

it is now on this Mother’s Day
I say, I hate mother’s day even more
because I am a motherless child
wishing for just a few moments more
so I could tell my mother
she was the best mother, like no other,
Because she was mine

---

Postscript:-

there’s a lesson here for you children
those lucky enough to still have their mother
give her a call and just say I love you, then hang up !!
let her think what a "cray cray crazy" child she has
but wouldn’t change for anything even life
and I bet she smiles ... eventually

time will never stand for no man or woman,
So love your mother and tell her, once a week ? maybe?

To my kindred souls who have felt the loss
and the stinging cut of the wounds
that drip with grief from their loss
today I hate Mother’s day too ......

but there's a lasting but here,
I forgive my beautiful soul,
I gave 'enough', it was all I had ...

Style / type: 
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Last few words: 
sorry guys couldn't help it just poured out ....
Editing stage: 

Comments

you have truly bared all emotions here and it's good that you did because I believe you felt better after letting off the steam rather than let it build up...the concluding line is what should mke you feel good " gave 'enough', it was all I had "...

take good care...you are a wonderful human being...

much love and warm hugs,

raj (sublime_ocean)

I have kinda let it all hang out in the breeze haven't I ? but yes I do feel better its bubbled at the surface for far too long and now with mother's day approaching the sting of her loss is so much more painful than usual as usual, its my 19th Mother's day without her and it never gets easier ... maybe the message though a little confused in the text gets through ... this is something I will work on but not right now

now for her poem she has one for every year I haven't been with her and one continuous canto I have worked on for near on six years now but its nearing completion this years brought a lot of stuff to the surface not sure why though tbh ...

love and hugs Jayne xox

("Always and Forever") - (Never lose a holy curiosity.-Albert Einstein)

author comment

Now that you have let out the steam, i suggest you look back on many wonderful moments you surely have and realize how fortunate you were to be her daughter...so with a smile which would surely come on...have a pleasant slumber....

much love...

raj (sublime_ocean)

I do look back to all the beautiful memories she made of my childhood for me even though she was what she was ... and in that lays the true miracle of it all ... I adored her way too much because the sting of loss returns with just a thought of her ... but I guess in the end I was a good daughter too I truly loved my Mum even if I didn't tell her enough

love and warmest hugs my friend I am off to piggy back the sandman into sleep, I hope Jayne xox

("Always and Forever") - (Never lose a holy curiosity.-Albert Einstein)

author comment

that's good to know...

sleep well like a baby...

take good care..

raj (sublime_ocean)

Alas no sleep not proper sleep yet tonight I'll probably pass out from exhaustion lol

hugs xox

("Always and Forever") - (Never lose a holy curiosity.-Albert Einstein)

author comment

I believe that we can never tell our mothers how much we love them enough. Its just not possible because it is a feeling that is so strong that mere words just aren't enough. I think the reason that you felt you haven't done enough for your children shows how deep is your love for them. A bad mother won't even think that way, hun. I don't believe you are one but all we can do is try to give the best that we can and just be happy no matter how other's view on us.
This piece is very emotional and some of the words really touch my heart. I loved the advice at the end. I just visit my mum at my sis's house last Friday and have a good talk with her after having been apart due to my situation. Maybe I'll visit her again tomorrow. My religion encouraged its worshippers to pray for their loved ones, especially their mothers who have given birth to them. So that's what I do when I can't see her. Maybe praying for your mum will help ease the pain. Her spirit is still alive because death is only the spirit leaving the physical body. Here's another thing to consider. You are her daughter so she continues to live within you. At least that's what I believe. You are her legacy after all.

Love and hugs
Alid

I haven't had my mother for a very long time and when she passed she was looking after two of my children I'd had to have surgery on my hip I was only very young and yeah our last conversation was an argument the day she died I'd tried to ring but she was busy with the kids and said to ring back that night, I wasn't well and I went to sleep and woke up to a phone call that she'd left us, there hasn't been a day go by that I've not relived that moment so through my poetry over the years I've tried to honour her memory and the amazing mother she was even though I've done it and wrote literally thousands of lines in a canto that's near on finished ... its 1937 stanzas long to reflect the year of her birth ... guess you could call it my lifes work ... I will never stop feeling the way I do until I can see her again in the next life or lives ... thanks for the read and the comment ... I really appreciate it and you

Love and hugs Jayne xox

("Always and Forever") - (Never lose a holy curiosity.-Albert Einstein)

author comment

POST IT ALL.

My epopee is standing now at over 24,000 lines and I'll bet I've posted a third of that here for perusal.
At first I received a bevy of help which changed some of it forever, then of course, the length wears your critics out and interest wains.
I for one, would like to take the journey.

https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/poems/%C3%A7a%C3%A7%C3%B4-man-morning-s...

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

Learn how, teach others.
The NeoPoet Mentor Program
http://www.neopoet.com/mentor/about

Ok I'll have a look how I can split it up so as not to bore the pants off anyone lol its 7748 lines long i think atm I'm just finishing it off editing stage now ... i have read a far bit of your poems but simply reading lol I sneek in undercover sometimes energy is my enemy

Love Jayne xox

("Always and Forever") - (Never lose a holy curiosity.-Albert Einstein)

author comment

Break it into cantos (chapters). Keep them as small as possible, but sometimes that won't be possible.
Break it into stanzas so we don't have what someone once told me looks like a wall of words.
The stanzas don't have to be even. Break them where it looks good, but don't let those get too big either.
Post it in Storytelling in Verse (sempiternal) and I can guarantee you some response (hopefully positive with a tad of the negative).
Post it. It belongs here.

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

Learn how, teach others.
The NeoPoet Mentor Program
http://www.neopoet.com/mentor/about

It's coming good I'll post as you've suggested thanks for the advice never pictured it here as I thought no one would ever hold on long enough to read it lol true story

Love Jayne xox

("Always and Forever") - (Never lose a holy curiosity.-Albert Einstein)

author comment

You knew I'd come.
Did you know their is a poetic term for the type of poem you wrote? It's technically called a "rant".

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

Learn how, teach others.
The NeoPoet Mentor Program
http://www.neopoet.com/mentor/about

To be honest when i posted it I doubted that very few would read it being the content was so very personal and your right its started as a rant and then as it poured out over the next hour or so it morphed into this ... I've never quite let my guard down in reality my slips showing here ... its different this other voice I've found, with freedom comes truth ...

Thank you for taking the time to read i do appreciate it

Love Jayne xox

("Always and Forever") - (Never lose a holy curiosity.-Albert Einstein)

author comment

This shows us who you really are, and if I was at a point in my life where I needed a great Mum, I would chose someone like you, with all those feelings and the ability to talk about it and feel so much, you are perfect for the role.
A great write more of a story than poetry but a joy to read,
Yours as always,
Ian, and the children that I hear applauding you..xxx

.
Give critique to help keep Neopoet great.
Unconditional love to you all.
"Learn to love yourself first"
Yours as always, Ian.T, Sparrow, and Yenti

Yes more prose than poem I guess ,,,Thank you so much that means the world to me ... I have been a Mum to more than my lot I have had a lot of young people live with us ... and yes I have let it all hang out now I am pulling every stop in every poem there will be very little thats sacred, except maybe secrets I have been told ... they will go to my grave with me no matter what, thank you so much for reading me tonight ... its so freaking nice to see everyone its kinda given me a bit of a boost actually ... I will be writing and posting a little more over the coming weeks though I cant really say how often ... btw I have posted a poem one last sigh ... I would love it if you read it

love always Jayne xox

("Always and Forever") - (Never lose a holy curiosity.-Albert Einstein)

author comment

relate to this. Every word speaks to me. I think what you're saying shows that you're a top mom. You want to be the best to your kids the way your mom was. Feeling unsatisfied of what you've given shows that you always have more to give. And the last advice you give is what every boy and girl need to learn. I call mom and dad every night overseas only to hear their voice and say goodnight. You can't imagine how they feel.

This writing is top of the top.
Thank you for sharing.

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

Follow me
www.instgram.com/rularules1

What a wonderful thing to say you've made my night ... I wrote this maybe as a warning to those children no matter their age that they should pay attention to Mum or Dad because they won't always be there and you know I would give my life for an hour with my Mum she really was my best friend in every way, we would have a fight and it would be under ten minutes one or the other would ring and apologize to the other, it was the swiftness of her leaving and the last conversation we had that haunts me everyday ... I thank you Rula you totally got where I was coming from thanks for that

love Jayne xox

("Always and Forever") - (Never lose a holy curiosity.-Albert Einstein)

author comment

That nobody is truly an adult until their parents have passed on. Until then, deep inside, they consider themselves to be their parent's child.
Being a parent, whether father or mother, is the most difficult thing I've ever done. Like a kidney stone it's unrelenting. Like most volunteer work it's thankless. And it comes with no instruction manual thus mistakes Will be made. But then.....one gets to see children grow up and do well despite our lack of parenting skills. And the pride felt when they do well despite their upbringing makes you think maybe you didn't do too bad after all. The same thoughts your and my parents likely had.............stan

I am lucky my Dads still with us he's a man of honour I'm proud to be his baby girl ... couldn't have asked for a better father but hes failing and frail I dread the day I loose him ... its hard for us my father remarried and his new wife well the phone has to be on loudspeaker all the time cant have a private conversation ... drives me nuts ... i made many mistakes bringing up my children but i was never abusive I just yelled a little more than i should but I am so proud to be their mother ... they've all raised from where they came from and just aimed onwards and upwards

So yeah they've through it and thrive to this day

love and hugs Jayne xox

("Always and Forever") - (Never lose a holy curiosity.-Albert Einstein)

author comment

But I smile.....flip open my zippo and light a smoke..snap it shut...throw my head back..take a puff..(cigarettes Im sure gave my Dragon mother cancer which killed her at 70) smile with my Wolven eyes....This poem is the most accurate sounding to what my mother would have written....She survived.....she took care of herself....I know selfless others whose kids grew up to kick them..tell them They should have made money and put them through univercity...bought them expensive things so "They" could be like "equals" to those they valued....The entitled....Smile because they never did without...never suffered in a house without firewood..water...went to school in sinking clothes cause the parents made them....I was not any of those..I was spoiled....I got the "You are not like perfect Johnny down the street" I witnessed the barking poodle on a leash being picked up by the neck and collar and dropped when I and my brother was somewhere about nine eleven...We got knitted sweaters...and proper care.....We got nasty letters about how our girlfreinds were Whores and probably pregnant...Women were out to get men and most are found in ditches...Men are rapists and evil....My mom died...she had a morphine tube in her arm...Her hands were black from the needles always pressed into her hands....She looked after me as a kid..I had asthma bad.....I never bathed...etc...everyone has different mothers..Not knocking her.. fought with her....Loved her....bought her gifts......and we both were so cruel to each other....But I sent her flowers one year.....My Ex's idea...she loved it..she cried...It broke through the brokeness she suffered from and gave me empathy...She did do what she could to help us kids....and she had troubles as a kid too............She had a card I had made when she was a kid...We had many other siblings but I was her close assistant I guess...she golfed...travelled...saw the world..she was lucky.....I know she Loved me.....we told each other that in a phone call.....we had hurt each other that much that it was not going to be real between us at the end....My brother and sister who were right in there and blocking me had that down pat....Hyenas....survivalists...she made us..

This poem spoke to me.....and I like its open sketch...At least its a bringing to the table of
something formative and tantalizing...Our family never got this far......My moms last few words
were that I was the one she was too depend on most...I was eating from soup kitchens at that point....doing okay doing that...My sister was sucessful ICU Nurse well respected and my brother was a connected carpenter doing contract works all over........This is a great cathartic poem for me on this day or day to come...

My woman...she is a mother....Her children she did everything for and they are like her headstrong
dug in..opinionated...and out to get her..probably because there is will be only One Queen!

I worked for them all through the years including now...
I got hurt a lot...
less then they did..my mom i mean..my ex;s and present
women..

and they knew that it changes people to go through to that depth
of hurt too...
If I had the same experience as they....I would be like them...

Your Poem shed much light...

At the mall today I bought my Woman a card..
Said To my wife even though we are not married
but common law...
Eleven years on and off
and We do Love one another
We are from the other side of the universe
Said You are a mom too..
so it covers...step kids and own kids etc...
it was perfect!

Even bad mothers love their kids.......
I was always afraid to admit that my mom
was bad...Because I loved her
and it would mean bad things happened
to her which they did...
everyone wants their mom to be wonderful
and perfect up there on a pedestal
she was cruel emotionally
not physically
kind of..Wont go into that

Anyway....You didnt write..screw them!!
You just said I hate mothers day
which is okay
and that you tried....
That Even Bad Mothers Love..
wow..
that is fantastic..
Fatherhood
you can be a bastard
but its MOTHERsday
and this is a great Poem
Jayne!!!!!

Thank You so much!

Im chuckling..
my mom had a sense of humor
she was gritty
played golf
the Family played board games
card games
sang rock and roll songs
at barb ee q's

Great Poem..>Thank U<

There's so much I could say so I'll start with the fact that I always felt I wasn't a great Mum never good enough didn't tell them enough I loved them but there wasn't a day that went by I didn't tell them I loved them even if I was pissed off with them, we didn't always have much but we always had a hot meal every night and always had food for school ... I was another child that was compensated with the mighty dollar that came with guilt, if I asked for anything i got it i always thought they felt guilty we never got to holiday together in 19yrs my parents worked their asses off and gave it all to us kids .. my mother was one of a kind when she passed on so many people that knew and loved her because of her work as a nurse ... they had to put chairs outside the church the day qe buried her she was much loved in the community... sad thing is I only ever remember her telling me she loved me maybe four times, she was hugely affected by her upbringing my grandfather went to war and when he came back he was never the same man ... as in the.poem even a bad mother can love ... Even though I made many mistakes bringing them up I always had their best interests at heart ....

The circles turning and I have no idea what's ahead so i will write more along these lines I have to while I still can

I am so very happy you enjoyed the poem and it brought a smile to you face it just meens I touched something in you and at the end of the day ... that's the best compliment i could receive ... and NO I thank you for taking the journey

Love Jayne xox

("Always and Forever") - (Never lose a holy curiosity.-Albert Einstein)

author comment
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