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I’m off
you drift through life in semi-dark
for you it's a half empty glass
complaining is your trade and mark
it brings me down, your odd morass
for you it's a half empty glass
the world presents in sad, dull hue
and others all have greener grass
that is, according unto you
complaining is your trade and mark
you say, for you, diddly-squat goes right
with not a positive remark
for anything that greets your sight
it brings me down, your odd morass
and all we seem to do is fight
so here I'm giving you the ass
I'm off to find a better light
Style / type:
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Last few words:
The Retourne, like so many other French forms, is all about repetition. It contains four quatrains, each line having eight syllables. The first stanza's second line must also be the second stanza's first line; the first stanza's third line is the third stanza's first, and the first stanza's fourth line is the fourth stanza's first. Retournes do not have to rhyme .....
I am aware that 'diddly-squat' gives line 10 too many syllables
but even so the beat remains untouched ...
(and I like it :) )
..... lol - not referring to anyone in particular at this time... there may be perhaps a few people in my past that i would've liked to have said this to
Editing stage:
(c) Neopoet.com. No copyright is claimed by Neopoet to original member content.
Comments
judyanne
Sun, 2012-05-13 07:24
hi eph
thanks so much - glad you liked this
and yes i agree - money and egos... but i learned a lot
love judy
xxxx
'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)
Nordic cloud
Wed, 2012-05-09 13:59
Oh jehoshaphat, as my Mum used to say.
This is a rhum one judyanne, and French quatrains to boot,
I admire your industry, your dedication to poetry and its forms,
I bow to you, or should that be curtsey?
Like the grammar of Norwegian and French,
even English, I know not their descriptive words,
its all so abstract, I like to dance free, and stick to doing that
as that's what I can do best,
But you manage it, here with humour. :)
annanya.x
"The image of yourself which you see in a mirror Is dead,
but the reflection of the moon on water, lives." Kenzan.
judyanne
Sun, 2012-05-13 07:26
thanks annanya
for the very supportive comments
no bowing... and please don't curtsey either
lol - i despise that royalty bull%*%$
love and hugs
judyanne
xxxx
'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)
judyanne
Sun, 2012-05-13 07:27
my poetic tam
love that
thanks lonnie for the lovely supportive comment
love judy
xxx
'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)
Candlewitch
Sun, 2012-05-13 11:48
Dear Judy,
You amaze me with your poetic prowess. You are an intrepid poet, fearless in your pursuit of poetic form. I loved the last verse:
it brings me down, your odd morass
and all we seem to do is fight
so here I'm giving you the ass
I'm off to find a better light
(I know someone like this... a family member. It gets down right boring listening to the same old complaints, repetively!)
always, Cat
*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.
judyanne
Wed, 2012-05-16 06:27
hi cat
thank you so very much for the very supportive and encouraging comments
love judy
xxx
'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)