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I’ll Whisper A Prayer
I’ll whisper a prayer for you,
One only God can hear.
I pray you stay safe and warm.
May you never go hungry,
A roof over your head,
And a soft place to lay.
I’ve seen you struggle
And the sorrows that you face.
I ask God to bring you peace.
For his arms to wrap around you in comfort.
As tears fall from your eyes
My heart breaks,
For there is nothing
I can do take the pain away.
I pray for light at the
End of your tunnel.
And strength for you to
Make it another day.
This in time will pass
The sun is going to shine.
It may not seem like that now,
But I promise it will get better.
So, I’ll whisper a prayer for you.
One only God can hear.
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction):
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Editing stage:
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Comments
raj
Sun, 2018-10-14 15:06
Hello Butterfly
a poem which has all the sensitivity as expected with respect to the theme and has the gentleness and honesty of a prayer especially when one can only pray....
.......................................................
raj (sublime_ocean)
zebra
Tue, 2018-10-16 13:43
zebra black
dox of existanceyou whisper and some starve
how many gods are there that you do not pray to
how many die of cold and heat
and have their roof washed away
and sleep in gutters
and tears save not
is the light at the end of the tunnel an on coming train
is your prayer mute to a hearless God
…….
I like your poem structurally and its kind intent
but the content deserves an anti poem that addresses the misery of the world, it short comings and it assumes monotheism of for that matter theism is truth or even truth in action ...meaning that you might differentiate and see that there are many forces or archetypes acting upon us
Should the buck stop with God or is everything Eves fault?
In my opinion your write calls out to address the paradox of existence or its reduced to being trite
I ask that you address the magnitude of duality and the disjuncture sentient beings contend with
Race_9togo
Wed, 2018-10-17 00:10
Greetings Butterfly
I liked reading this, its a good rough draft,
but it needs more structure, perhaps separating it into stanzas would help.
And perhaps just a tad of questioning why God does bad things to people would give it a bit more impact too.
I would like to see what you do to this, I think it has great potential.
Respectfully, Race
"Laws and Rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" - Race-9togo
http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/Race_9togo
zebra
Fri, 2018-10-19 13:35
An Answer
The synoptic religions have no good answer for this but the occultist, astrologers, hermetasists, Kabbalists, Gnostics, and initiates of the arcane have a sense of this. which is this:
We are not just good, we are both the darkness and the light in a fractured reality of illuminations and cast shadows. This is the dear price we pay in exchange for entering the world soul towards individuation We live in the creation, a limited disjunctured reality not in the flux of ever expanding self effulgent divine ecstasy unless of course we have the knowledge to apply our selves to that directly