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Hypocrisy Around Us
A girl claiming to support animal rights,
wearing furred clothes on display.
Her sense of fashion came to light,
there's nothing left to say!
Cigarrette boxes bearing messages of diseases,
the company bearing a conscience today?
Too bad the addiction in those smokers
won't be easily cured anyway.
We yearn for peace and fine morality
but choose sex and violence for a movie.
Its just a break from boring reality.
Who cares if our children embrace insanity?
We really love to breathe fresh, clean air
but we can't be bothered by the pollution
that our bikes and cars caused everywhere
with the poisoned gas they spread in abundance.
Go to a concert, hoping to save the world.
Sing, dance and be one people in one night
Yet our actions never change or excel,
How can we hope everything will be alright?
Can we still say ignorance is bliss
when it turns us into hypocrites now?
Can we relax and think of peace
when it is cracking from the wars we allow?
Style / type:
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction):
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Editing stage:
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Region & Country
singapore
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Emily Dickinson, Robert Frost, Sarojini Naidu and friends in Neopoet.
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Comments
Lonnie
Tue, 2015-08-25 16:09
Alid,
Excellent theme and well written, my only suggestion is changing the last stanza a bit, because "sow" does not rhyme with "now" only in visual terms. Great read though!
alidzain
Tue, 2015-08-25 22:17
thanks, lonnie
for pointing that out. I was going to trash this before you comment. Glad you liked it.
Alid
author commentSparrow
Wed, 2015-08-26 03:53
Alid
A cry in the wilderness, there are far too many tribes walking the Earth to bring about one world sanity..
A good write we just need a single plan for humanity now..
Yours Ian..
.
.
Give critique to help keep Neopoet great.
Unconditional love to you all.
"Learn to love yourself first"
Yours as always, Ian.T, Sparrow, and Yenti
alidzain
Wed, 2015-08-26 12:36
Hello Ian
You know, my crazy friend will say replace humanity with A.I, programmed with conscience. I guess he forgets he is human.lol.
Alid
author commentSparrow
Wed, 2015-08-26 18:40
Alid
AI will in the end come to realise that there is no purpose to a machine without those frail humons, and they will switch off as there will be no future, no absolute feelings and two machines coming together will be as a car crash..
Take care young traveller we are safe until our sun does otherwise, Yours Ian..
.
Give critique to help keep Neopoet great.
Unconditional love to you all.
"Learn to love yourself first"
Yours as always, Ian.T, Sparrow, and Yenti
alidzain
Thu, 2015-08-27 01:55
Same to you.
You take care too, Ian.
Alid
author commentSparrow
Thu, 2015-08-27 03:56
Alid
Thanks for your reply but it appears that To bother with streaming and commenting has become a sorrowful task as there is hardly any other poets around Neopoet site, Just yourself Stan, loved and sometimes Jess..
The site is always my first visit morning and evening but, where are all the ones that love Neopoet gone.
It saves me a couple of hours each day and I must start finding other things to do. I have many Sadie tapes to transpose and other sites to attend again.
Hope there is a revival soon.
Meanwhile take care of you and yours,
Yours as always, Ian..
.
Give critique to help keep Neopoet great.
Unconditional love to you all.
"Learn to love yourself first"
Yours as always, Ian.T, Sparrow, and Yenti
alidzain
Thu, 2015-08-27 04:05
Ian
I do wonder too. Anyway just to tell you that there is a chance that Wes is going to open a new workshop. In truth he asked me to run it but I can't commit myself to it. He asked for ideas and I've given some to him so just wait. By the way, any new news about our Jayne? Kinda miss her.
Alid
author commentRula
Sat, 2015-08-29 01:30
A solid theme Khalid
as always you've highlighted effectively some of human wrongs. The rhyme scheme confused me sometimes.I don't know if you want to re-work some of the verses, but I've enjoyed the read anyway.
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alidzain
Sat, 2015-08-29 13:07
Salam, Rula
I do wanted to edit but needed help in doing it. Kinda busy preparing for my september's Malay Languagr month's events. I'm one of the poets invited to recite my malay poem and share my writing journey onstage for the first time. The pressure is on as there will be community leaders attending the event.
Alid
author commentRoscoe Lane
Sat, 2015-08-29 03:11
Loved,
Loved the theme, right up my street. I have to agree with Rula on this one, but i thoroughly enjoyed reading. Regards Roscoe..
Roscoe Llane,
Religion will rip your faith off, and return
for the mask of disbelief that's left.
alidzain
Sat, 2015-08-29 13:09
Roscoe
any suggestions to make it a smoother read? I'm out of ideas.
Alid
author commentRoscoe Lane
Sun, 2015-08-30 03:07
I will,
I will give it some thought and get back to you. Regards Roscoe...
Roscoe Llane,
Religion will rip your faith off, and return
for the mask of disbelief that's left.
wesley snow
Mon, 2015-08-31 16:54
Okay.
First of all, this is not structured western poetry. It is Verso Libre (free verse). There is no consistent meter and the rhyme scheme has some flaws (the phrase Rula is looking for is "eye rhyme").
Now, the poem is not withered by this. It is still poetry and as all have pointed out the theme is powerful. It is a good poem, but it has no real structure.
Secondly, I miss your lighter poems. Lately, most of what you write is angry. Is everything okay or is this simply a phase in your poetry?
W. H. Snow
A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley
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alidzain
Tue, 2015-09-01 05:12
Wes
I do love in various form. To me, a poet is not just an entertainer or a storyteller but he/she must also be the Voice of thoughts demanding the society to change when there is a need. This poem came into my mind when I saw the cigarrette boxes with warnings of diseases, caused by smoking. It's as if the cigarrette suppliers are saying'' You have been warned, if you are too weak to stop the smoking habit and become more and more addicted, we are not to be blamed.'' Then I see other things which people say and then their actions are clearly the opposites. How many of them even realised they are doing it? How many even know the harmful effects to their actions? Seriously, most people know smoking is harmful to the body but they have this ''can't be bothered'' attitude. When something goes wrong, their innocent family will suffer as well. Angry? Well, I have an old colleague who just warded in the hospital due to lung cancer. I see first hand what his stubbornness caused and I don't want others to suffer the same way.
Alid
author commentscribbler
Tue, 2015-09-01 17:10
woulda sworn I'd commented on this. I'll blame aging brain
and return with something later tonight........stan
scribbler
Tue, 2015-09-01 23:10
I'm back
No problem with the message which is clear. But the scattered rhyme pattern is a bit distracting to me. If the pattern is going to change it needs to be done in set steps which could easily turn this into a morphing poem. For example you could begin with aaaa then aabb then abab then abba then maybe abcb then end with blank verse. Or you could do the reverse. Just some ideas.........stan
alidzain
Wed, 2015-09-02 05:48
Stan
here's the thing, the style is an attempt on abab pattern all the way but in some areas it became near rhyme. I don't know how to do it while trying to stay true to what I wanted to say. Take for eg ''movies'' and ''insanity''. I really need help. Trouble is I'm a little busy with work,, family responsibilities and the Malay Language events.
Alid
author commentscribbler
Wed, 2015-09-02 09:39
Ok
"But choose sex and violence for a movie" would work.
alidzain
Wed, 2015-09-02 14:40
Stan
done the edit. Thanls. Anything else?
Alid
author commentscribbler
Wed, 2015-09-02 19:05
In rhyme
the trick is often having to fins a different way to say the same thing. This is the fun part of structured poetry is the challenge of finding this manner of forwarding the story and also rhyming. Sometimes an entire stanza has to be redone. I'd suggest you leave this poem alone for about a week or so then revisit it with fresh eyes. You'll likely then say to yourself "Why heck! I can say this in this manner and the thing will rhyme without sounding forced." I revisit even my oldest stuff on occasion and it always amazes me how doing so reveals better ways to say something...............stan
wesley snow
Thu, 2015-09-03 17:07
Alid,
what Stan said is right on. I totally agree.
W. H. Snow
A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley
Learn how, teach others.
The NeoPoet Mentor Program
http://www.neopoet.com/mentor/about