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Hurry the hell up. (Sept. Contest)

Submitted by wesley snow on Wed, 2015-09-09 15:51

Sept Contest

Let’s first address the heat I feel each day.
A hundred four ain’t bad I gotta say.
It soaks the skin and all your linen too
and all this done in horses fresh green poo.

It’s humid past a man’s imagination.
Sometimes it rains as though to wash our sins
away into the gutter on to Hell.
The rains are hot and that is really swell.

And what about the length of my work day?
Some fourteen hours suck I gotta say.
The sun is far too bright, it needs a shield.
A pair of glasses I alone could wield.

An age old thought has come into my mind.
A breeze has come to aid me in the find.
It smells of cool and windy days to come.
It leaves me sweating, waiting dumb.

Style / type: 
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Last few words: 
I am so sick of summer I could melt as a candle on the street.
Editing stage: 
Editing - polished draft
Contest: 
Month Of Change

Comments

scribbler

Wed, 2015-09-09 20:17

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Sounds like you're as tired of the heat as I am lol. Line 4.... try ...in fresh green horse poo and see if you like it better........stan

wesley snow

Wed, 2015-09-09 23:01

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.

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

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author comment

Sparrow

Thu, 2015-09-10 04:41

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I see you are sticking to your poo,
Hey is that horse OK what with sticky poo of a green shade have you been in the sun too long.
Liked the write sounds of tiredness are seen,
and horse poo green,
roll on autumn.
Yours Ian..

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Give critique to help keep Neopoet great.
Unconditional love to you all.
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China Blue

Thu, 2015-09-10 08:38

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I take it you do not like the hot weather. I thrive on it and am not looking foward to the cold. Interesting write though

Chrys
Let your mercy spill on all these burning hearts in hell(Leonard Cohen)

alidzain

Thu, 2015-09-10 17:18

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A good write but this feels abit like a complaint,lol. The haze here is blurring vision and causing many people to cough. Worse still, it clashes with the hungry ghost month for the chinese and they are burning josstick and stuffs. You hate the heat, I hate the haze. Nothing much we can do about it.

Alid

wesley snow

Thu, 2015-09-10 18:01

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Chrys, I despise the heat. I can't wait for another of those gentle breezes. It rained today. 101 degrees and it rains. Didn't kick the heat.

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

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author comment

Geezer

Fri, 2015-09-11 11:16

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that it is too blasted hot, there in California! The humidity must be horrific! Nice rant of a poem. The rhythm sucks, but I don't suppose that it detracts from the story much. ~ Gee

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wesley snow

Fri, 2015-09-11 11:22

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Not Shakespeare, but it was supposed to be humorous. What didn't you like if I can ask.
It takes time to point out specifics, but I'd like to know the most egregious flaws.

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

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author comment

BettyBuff

Sat, 2015-09-12 19:12

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Horses,
I get the taciturn tone...the irritability. Scribblers suggestion on line 4 would make the rhythm hum...but your write, just a suggestion if you're sticking rigidly to Western as it is the most egregious flaw.
It wasn't funny. You don't do humour. It was grumpy. But that's ok, because that's you!
(Joke...kind of)
Ells :)

wesley snow

Sat, 2015-09-12 23:01

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I'm sick of summer and desire autumn with all my sweaty heart.
It wasn't meant to be humorous except in the blackest of ways. A rant if you will.

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

Learn how, teach others.
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author comment

Barbara Writes

Thu, 2015-09-17 03:06

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Yes it's too hot and I wished for autumn now its here I'm cold and whiny until my inner thermostat reset and my body adjust pass.. Just can't win lol. Autumn is my favorite time of years bc the heat is physicality draining but I do like summer when it's not too hot, but then summer always hot. The rainy days a joy but not so much now as any change in temperature is a reason for me to whine and stay in bed and or take painkillers. I've read everyone poems and commented now I must rest my one eye as MS causes days of blindness and I've not had surgery on my glaucoma and cataract stricken other blinded eye.

I can't skim pass poetry like I do all other reading. But I felt a need to participate while I have some quality of sight bf the next episode.

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alidzain

Thu, 2015-09-17 13:30

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I wonder if you'll like singapore if the haze is not around.

Alid

Sparrow

Thu, 2015-09-17 14:06

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Digit here I loved Singapore and am waiting for you to read Jack's piece on my visit to your city lol,
Take care and look after your brave detectives,
Yours, Digit xx

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Give critique to help keep Neopoet great.
Unconditional love to you all.
"Learn to love yourself first"
Yours as always, Ian.T, Sparrow, and Yenti

alidzain

Fri, 2015-09-18 12:24

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losing track. er...title of that poem?

Alid

Sparrow

Fri, 2015-09-18 18:55

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Would you believe the poem is called:-
"Digit in Singapore" (For Alid) lol
Talk to you soon,
Yours Ian..

.
Give critique to help keep Neopoet great.
Unconditional love to you all.
"Learn to love yourself first"
Yours as always, Ian.T, Sparrow, and Yenti

lovedly

Thu, 2015-09-17 14:54

lovedly's picture

whose now i am confused whose?
good heat be taken away
may u provide a shield we pray
all neopoets will pay
to keep the sun at bay

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