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HURRICANE -edit

Submitted by Geremia on Fri, 2012-08-24 13:06

HURRICANE

The air is heavy silent grey
no egrets statues
In the lake
today
the smell of alligators
rot and decay
float slowly towards
the eastern shore
from stagnant waters
of the Everglades
once more.

Nature stands stunned
In fearful anticipation
There is a monster in the sea
and it is coming
this way
to feed and prey.

Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft

Comments

weirdelf

Fri, 2012-08-24 16:30

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overly anthropomorphic. It's just weather.
But nice imagery

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

Geremia

Fri, 2012-08-24 16:36

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lol You always hit it right. We are expecting hurricane to possibly hit south Florida That inspired theme. :)

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scribbler

Fri, 2012-08-24 16:39

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I have on many an occasion seen the way an approacing storm affects the way wildlife behaves. First there's a spurt of intense feeding then they hunker down and harly even move until the storm passes. You captured this well in a minimum of words. Hmmm..... maybe "no egret statues" instead of egrets standing statue? Just something you can mull over..............stan

Geremia

Fri, 2012-08-24 16:57

Geremia's picture

Good change, Yes, the Everglades get wild.

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Ian.T

Fri, 2012-08-24 18:42

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I liked this piece down to the last line then the "to feed and prey"
that the storm will feed off of the Ocean and pick at it increasing its energy.
I think more likely the alligator will feed on easy prey today, just a thought for you to mull over.
Glad to see your work becoming fruitful, Yours Ian.T

.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

Geremia

Sun, 2012-08-26 07:12

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thanks, Ian. Winds r starting ro spin;;;

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weirdelf

Sat, 2012-08-25 21:47

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You are a major poet when you choose subjects that reflect nature, beauty and life.

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

Geremia

Sun, 2012-08-26 07:14

Geremia's picture

I am beginning to think u r right

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