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HUNT'S END

"Hey let's go and hunt some deer!
on this early winter day
I've got a place not far from here
Let's go dad! What do you say?"

Sitting there he cleared his throat
"It seems," he said, "I'm catching cold
If they hear me cough it's all she wrote
We'll go before the year's too old"

Another week, the cough was worse
that damned cold wouldn't go away
I asked again, The" No "was terse
"We'll go again another day"

But that other day became a theme
until a doctor's verdict came
it wasn't just a cold it seemed
keeping dad from chasing game

Instead it was the smoker's bane
slowly robbing him of breath
any treatment would be in vain
uncertain only : date of death

He didn't leave without a fight
near half a year before he lost
in a sterile room one night
where he paid tobacco's cost

I still sometimes feel him at my side
especially in the woods of fall
and hope he's looking on with pride
as I answer autumn's call

Style / type: 
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Editing stage: 

Comments

I wonder if it'll be called Stanism when you're more famous. So I'm not even going to comment on them, I know you have the "ear" and are quite aware of them yourself.

I'm really sorry to say this Stan, but somehow I was unable to engage with the serious and sad emotional content. More wistfulness than grief. Perhaps it is the form that makes it difficult for me and it will work well for others.

on this early winter dy [day]
and I'm really unsure about the line
If they hear me cough it's all she wrote
is it a private thought of his slipped in? Why she? What am I missing here? Is it a quote?

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

Good to see you. Stanism huh?lol.I reckon it will never be known as that or anything as my becoming famous is pretty doubtful. This is my second attempt to deal with this. I know I haven't got it right yet but I'll try again until I do. .Thanks for the typo catch those things get me no matter how often I preview stuff. "All she wrote" might well be a local phrase. It means that's the end of this( as in she wrote no more). You know how I always return to my stuff and make changes even months later. I'll get that typo and let this sit a while then see if i can't redo a few parts at a time..........stan

author comment

the phrase "that's all she wrote" seems to have originated from "Dear John" letters.

Odd, I don't remember hearing it before.

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

Must be because your name is Jess not John lmao..........stan

author comment

The hand written version Has quotation marks but I was unsure whether they'd get in the way.....stan

author comment
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