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Human Sacrifice (Sunku)

rest my soul
filthy you
with the gods

gods favor you
king sleeps
you must serve
in his dream

in the next life
you be king
in a foreign land
this life
bless the earth

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Last few words: 
The Poem is a reflection of a person about to be sacrificed to the gods. A believer of the West African tradition that demands a person be buried alive along with a dead king. It is believed that if the chosen person embraces the responsibility of dying with the king the gods will reward the fellow a seven fold life-span of kingship in his afterlife.
Editing stage: 


Only because of the background information provided by you "In last few words" a reader can connect with your poem. I do not know why you call this poem conforming to Sunku form

raj (sublime_ocean)

I intend to explore this style on limitless subjects. I love it because it lets you convey a lot of message and reveal traditions with just few words. It is what I am trying to do as I intend to emulate it as my overall way of writing for life.


author comment

few words does not make it Sunku. The idea is to make the form deliver a message while conforming to a set of parameters. The proper form of Sunku is; a two syllable first line, a three syllable second line and the last line being composed of four syllables. Three stanzas of two-three and four syllable lines. ~ Geezer.

Honest critique and comments shouldn't hurt.
It's why we are here, to get better at our craft.

Then I don't write SUNKU, I write something else that deserves a name, I'm not feeling bad though about it


author comment
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