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HOW NEOPOETS TEACH EACHOTHER ONLY FOR ADULTSS

THIS IS HOW YOU PROCEED
COMPOSE A POEM
AND GOOD FRIENDLY POETS WILL ADD ON AND ADVISE...

THIS ONE IS NOT THE ACTUAL ONE FOR THE NOV CONTEST
LEARNING STAGE ONLY

Seeds Root-Trunk-Branches –
soft feathery leaves
raindrops
small still

you forgot
the lanky trunk
the stem
the straighter
the harder one
lest you are not
an Aussie*

now they* say
have you
rooted

hopefully you do understand
metaphorically
do thee
Okay ye

you all have
must have rooted
innumerable times
you know it also
how many
have thee
as
sexy
as nude trees
can ever be

all will see
wintry days
kill me

made it a bit lighter reading
beautiful be autumns ending

(ONLY ADULTS MAY READ)

Style / type: 
Free verse
Editing stage: 

Comments

I suspect you know that being contest director I can't make suggestions for improvement but I will say that improvement is needed in my opinion. But the tongue in cheek (no, the cheek on the face you old perv) was fun to read.

no pervy me
time was running out

i fly tonite
into the wilderness
come find where I may be
sooner or later
again with thee

author comment

I think 
 
"soft feathery leaves
raindrops
small still"
 
Is incredibly poignant and beautiful. It is a gentle and emotive image. I can feel and see the golden leaf that's fallen and become soft with rain on a gray November afternoon. I can smell and hear the rain, and feel the coziness of listening to it while wrapped in a warm coat.  Those six little words brought all those images and senses immediately to my mind. That's fantastic. I also like the use of dashes on the first line. It reminds me of Emily Dickinson. She loved to use dashes a lot and her writing is immediately recognizable because of them.  
 
I would suggest you draw more on that succinctness and the microcosm of autumn you have captured in those few lines, because after that, the poem feels like it turns in a totally different direction that doesn't fit. Yes, the prompt for the context is "nude trees" and there is nothing wrong with going in the adult innuendo direction, but it doesn't seem to match the opening stanza in my opinion. I was captivated by that opening stanza then the poem changed instantly and it was jarring. 
 
I think it would be totally feasible to make a "nude" tree poem that is not "adult" and have a separate one that is, just by using the adult parts of this poem for a new poem. I don't know if you can submit multiple poems to the contest, but even if you can't that's okay.
 
My suggestions are as follow:
 
Take these lines of the poem:
 
you forgot
(notice how I took the line about the trunk out)
the stem
the straighter
the harder one
lest you are not
an Aussie*
 
now they* say
have you
rooted
 
hopefully you do understand
metaphorically
do thee
Okay ye
 
you all have
must have rooted
innumerable times
you know it also
how many
have thee
as
sexy
as nude trees
can ever be
 
all will see
wintry days
kill me
 
made it a bit lighter reading
beautiful be autumns ending
 
and save it for another poem to do what ever you would like with
 
Then, working back on the rest of the poem that is left, consider ways to make a purely nature/ happiness /autumn peacefullness poem from here (and don't forget to try more dashes; they're cool if you don't go overboard):
 
Seeds Root-Trunk-Branches –
soft feathery leaves
raindrops
small still
 
lanky trunk
 
 
Think about the way the tree trunk looks and feels at this time of year, and during this rainy day you've created. Is there lichen on the tree? If so, the rain makes it bright mint or tea green color. Is there moss on the tree? If so, the rain makes it a rich olive or lush green. Is the bark rough and segmented, like pine trees or smooth and papery like birch? Is it a young tree with no patchiness or unwanted guests like woodpeckers and termites eating it? Or is it old and withered? Or strong and heavy with burs and sap? Are there other plants around who are going nude too? Ferns who just a few months ago were fanned out on the forest floor are  curling back in on themselves to keep warm. Acorns and seed pods are starting to be buried by animals. Does the tree have no leaves on at all, like winter is right around the corner, or are there still some leaves clinging on? Do any of the leaves left on the tree or already fallen on the ground rustle and crunch in the wind or underfoot, or are they all soaked by the rain like in the first stanza? 
 
And importantly, once you figure out what images you want, ask yourself: so what? Why are these images important? Why am I drawn to share them? Why are others drawn to read them? It's still hot here in NC and many leaves do not fall because there are so man evergreen trees like pine here. They just become a bit dull in color and dormant in autumn and winter. Maybe this poem is for people like me to vicariously enjoy the colors and changes and cool weather of autumn because I don't get much of it here.
 
Maybe this poem is to remind people to appreciate nature and get outside and remember where we come from (the earth). Maybe it is a poem about mutability (https://www.shmoop.com/mutability-wordsworth/) or a momento mori poem (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Memento_mori) where you want readers to find acceptance for the changing of the seasons and the changing of our lives, including the death of nature in winter and the death of us at the end of our lives. And we really should accept it, because just like rebirth and reawakening comes in Spring, we are a part of the cycle of life and not only will our bodies go back to the earth to feed the earth, but our legacies can live on and teach the future generations. A part of your legacy, Loved, could be this poem, for example. Maybe the nudity of the tree is a sweet and silly reminder to bundle up in the cold and be gentle with each other during the stressful and dark seasons because like the leaves fall from the trees, some people are figuratively/metaphorically pulling out their hair this time of year with school exams, holiday cooking, holiday shopping, religious debate, and more all while losing a futile battle against raking leaving and shovelling snow. Maybe its something else entirely, like a story from your childhood that you want to share so that others can enjoy too. That's a perfectly good reason as well. It doesn't have to be philosphical if you don't want. 
 
So decide why this topic matters to you and may matter to readers, then mix that important message with these beautiful images and you'll have a whole new poem to be proud of for the contest.
 
Take care and please let me know if you have any questions or want to talk through this one more. I think there is a ton of potential here for something great. 
Kelsey

Advocates Coordinator

Critique, don't comment.

To see our learning resources, click the "Curated Resources" link under the Resources tab in the top menu bar.

www.kelsey-burroughs.weebly.com

Spell bound nudity,
I am the autumn tree
It's the maiden critique of my life
where I have been totally nudified/ (baffled)
like the trees in this part of the world
with minus 37 degrees Celsius,
appear stark-with the leaves strewn about.

Earlier they, The Town Hall guys
would collect them as garbage
now they agree with me
its manure
if even left beneath the snow.

How can I incorporate all wonderful aspects here you create
is beyond the scope and vision of Loved to re-procreate

At best I can delete the ''CONTEST/NOV' part
only if you say.

I now realize why I rarely win in competitions,
even though twice here
has been captured my rendition
in the frame of mind
of who so ever may have been the judges.

Here I marvel at what Kelsey you have had to say
Let me silently, like a nude tree hibernate today

So out I am of this contest
as Loved goes far away
as much as you have had to my nudity- display
buried-- post-mortem
so to say,
Autumn takes my life distinctly--
over millions of miles away.

author comment

Don't abandon the contest.

The part I suggested moving, I suggest moving to a new poem because it is not bad at all. I didn't suggest deleting it, did I? I suggested you submit 2 poems!

Right in your own reply there is a good idea you could pursue. Just try it. There is no harm in trying.

Seeds Root-Trunk-Branches –
soft feathery leaves
raindrops
small still

Spell bound nudity,
I am the autumn tree

lanky trunk

Then keep going! Is you skin like the bark? Your hair like the leaves? Do you stand tall or curve and sway in the wind?

Kelsey

Advocates Coordinator

Critique, don't comment.

To see our learning resources, click the "Curated Resources" link under the Resources tab in the top menu bar.

www.kelsey-burroughs.weebly.com

I shall review entire
only one poem is accepted
not removing this piece from contest
is consented
Thanks Kelsey

author comment
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