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??? on a hot tin roof

We had an old kerosene-based
water-heating contraption.
The release valve was on the roof,
just above the kitchen.
The water when it got too hot,
especially in the summer
would bubble noisily onto the tin
annoying my poor mother.
So one phrase from our mum
we heard many times a day
There goes that damn kero stat again,
in exasperation she would say.

We rarely stop to think of words
and what goes through a little mind
when it hears one it doesn’t know –
I have a vision of a kind
of some stranger’s pet feline
my two year old sister believing
to be prowling overhead and
doing a hell of a lot of peeing.
For one time when the water blew
she helped Mum to complain.
Hands on hips, she shook her head and said,
There goes that damn Sara’s cat again.

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Comments

That was such a delightful memory!
I suggest you may want to consider the last line for the Title of this little gem.
A simple concept, but very endearing.

A small suggestion: perhaps you may want to reconsider the SEQUENCE of these lines:

"...I have a vision of a kind
of some stranger’s pet feline
my two year old sister believing
to be prowling overhead and...."

The position of the third line feels a little strange to me and breaks the thought chain for me.

Other than that, good work, Judyanne.

Psyve

if i use the punch line as the title i think it would spoil the fun, don't you?

as fot those lines, i'll look at them,,, they make sense to me,,,,
if i change them i mess up the rhyme so i'd have to think of a whole new way of saying it.....

thanks for the crit...
love
judy
xxxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

author comment

close..... stats and cats..... mmmm

see my answer to psyve re the using of the last line....
thanks shirl
love judy
xxxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

author comment

This is a lot of fun.
There is nothing I can find to critique.

"The Cat's In The Kerosene"?
"Kerosene Cat Memories"?
"Of Kerosene, Cats And Kids"?

LOL

I adore the image at the end, your little sister, matter-of-fact with hands on hips.

Respectfully, Jim

"Laws and Rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" - Race-9togo

http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/Race_9togo

Sara's Cat

Kero's Memory

Blowing Steam

I have to come back to this to review for a couple of lines through me off in the structure perhaps. Is this the story or a poem or a story/poem. LOL

Love from the Denizen
Magics Mona

Through the ears of a child ?........scribbler

Why not call it Sara's Cat or Kero Stat. I like the the little story.

love lou xx

Stand tall, be proud to be who you are, give the world the finger!!!!

You have such beautiful memories of your childhood!!

I love the feel in this poem and the humor - you are building a history of your family life wia poetry. Unique idea!

Great to read Judy

Love Mand xxxxxxx

I enjoyed the read, great memory that you've shared with us.
The title is obvious to me, but cliche at the same time ...
Cat on a hot tin roof , perhaps not so cliche as far as writing,
but definitely something everyone has heard... maybe another
way of saying it would be more appropriate, besides it would
give away the ending ... hmmmm

Richard

jim, magics stan lou shirl mand for you interest and suggestions
richard you are a genius xxx

i think this works without giving away too much.

love judy
xxxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

author comment

xxxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

author comment

I was thinking
of lLz Taylor's movie

CAT ???-3 Qs Marks,

As in

C A T-3
ON
A
HOT
TIN
ROOF
UR MOM TAKES
the cake i braked
today

brake or broked

loved

lovely to see you
thanks for the comment
love judy

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

author comment

SO lovely to see you,,,
i wil try and catch up with your work soon as poss
love and hugs
judy

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

author comment
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