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Homecoming

Dessertous and deserted is the rangale of deer
In the jerky bounce of a runner’s run
I’ve seen them
From behind the wild-growth of the casement
It seems- in random ricochet
All the way down ; far
Till I could see them no more
I suppose they are looking for something
But finders are keepers
These keep rebounding and here they are again
The clearing stretches fore them now
But just like mine is-
I think their home is in the thickest of forests
I know now it is what they are attempting to find
It isn’t here
Though I thought them to be lovely
Nimble and oddly mangled
But my house is no house for the fawns
Each night they rest in the darkness
As morning is a day of rebounding
And maybe, though,
It’s too bad I wouldn’t see
A day of finding home.

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Editing stage: 
Content level: 
Not Explicit Content

Comments

Hello Etty, I don't think I've read your poetry before. I like the title and the theme very much. I just think it's prose, perhaps you could try some inner rhyming words to add musicality to what you've so deftly shown. Just an idea for you to take or toss. Enjoyed. Best, Gracy

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"My soul is painted like the wings of butterflies; fairy tales of yesterday will grow but never die, I can fly, my friends.” – Freddie Mercury

that you have the habit of making up words, when it suits you and the time is now. I much appreciate the strength of this trait. It gave me pause tonight; when you did it twice in the same line; but, I am okay with it for now. I may call you on it at another time. I get your title, [another but...] I think that it might better be "Going Home". I think the proper use of [fore] would have been [afore]. I get the rest of the poem and I would eliminate the punctuation altogether. I like how your mind works. ~ Geezer.
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Unlike Geezer, I am not a fan of made up words.
I'm still trying to learn the 'real' ones and there's
a crap load!.
Not sure either, why you use some punctuation,
but not throughout. What you did use confused me.

I like the poem, but think it could use a few changes,
and I am so sorry for saying that. It never gets easy.
And Etty , I'm far from knowledgeable on the do's and
don'ts, I only know what I like, so, take anything I say
as just that, my opinion.
Sue

Hello again, Etty. As I think I said before, your poem is more like prose. You need to tweak out some articles, etc., like I've suggested below. My suggestions, to TorT. All the best, Gracy

Dessertous and deserted are rangales of deer
In jerky bounces of a runner’s run
I’ve seen them
behind wild-growths of casements

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"My soul is painted like the wings of butterflies; fairy tales of yesterday will grow but never die, I can fly, my friends.” – Freddie Mercury

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