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Submitted by TheIronyofDearMaria on Sat, 2021-12-04 19:16

The place my soul burns the brightest is located up North.

Land covered with fresh green earth glazed with drops of dew.

Miles of trees rooted in strategic lines in front of me.

The leaves catch a breeze giving off the effect of waving in my direction.

I always wave back.

No worry lies in the depths of these woods, no evil can penetrate this brain.

I wander freely along trails and construct new paths. The scent a wood stove fading behind me.

I roam until the sky falls black.

Carefully crafted are the constellations above, I can't help but admire the one who put them there.

I've made this world here my own and I find leaving brings greater pain than a blade forced into flesh.

Everytime I visit, turning back gets harder to do my longing begins to grow.

This sorrow is temporary, someday I will return with my heart in my hand and these feet won't have to walk away.

Living out here in the open where I've never felt so small, where the stream whispers it's secrets, that's where I've found my home.

Review Request (Intensity): 
I appreciate moderate constructive criticism
Review Request (Direction): 
How was my language use?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Editing stage: 
Editing - draft
Content level: 
Not Explicit Content

Comments

Race_9togo

Mon, 2022-02-07 00:59

Race_9togo's picture
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Your language use is a bit wordy.
Example:
"The leaves catch a breeze giving off the effect of waving in my direction."

could be

"The leaves catch breezes, and wave in my direction."

Same meaning, less words. Sharpens the imagery (imagery that's good).

Also, consider restructuring this into verses. The physical structure of a poem can have just as much impact as its imagery and meaning, drawing the reader into pauses that can sharpen attention, focus, and imagery:

"The place my soul burns the brightest is located up North.

Land covered with fresh green earth glazed with drops of dew.

Miles of trees rooted in strategic lines in front of me."

"The place my soul burns the brightest
is located up North,
land covered with fresh green earth
glazed with drops of dew,
miles of trees rooted in
strategic lines in front of me."

The imagery sharpens, each line a slice of vividness that will stay with the reader.

I really like the theme, and the beginning and ending are both good, although again, restructuring into verses will make things pop.

Hope this helps.

Respectfully, Race

"Laws and Rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" - Race-9togo

http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/Race_9togo

scribbler

Tue, 2022-02-08 16:49

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It appears you and I share a love for the wild places.

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