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His White Marble Headstone

Submitted by Benjamin1987 on Wed, 2012-03-07 10:33

At my grandfather’s
final resting place
lays an oval shaped
white marble headstone
looking as if it belongs in
Arlington National Cemetery

This slab of carved stone
marks many of the things
that have happened
during my grandfather’s life
including his date of birth
as well as his death

Among other things
it marks his service
in World War II
with the Sea Bees
of the United States Army

His career as a
founder and owner
of his own newspaper
with the moniker of “Scoop”

But even though
when I come to visit him
I can only see a slab
of white stone
I look at it
and I know
he is watching over me

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft

Comments

scribbler

Wed, 2012-03-07 21:33

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Unlike most I find no solace in visiting graves of loved ones but I see no harm in doing so. I am pleased that you find comfort in visiting his resting place an your description of a visit there is precise. Only thing you might think about changing is to omit have in line 9 or changing it to had. Welcome to Neopoet and looking forward to more......stan

judyanne

Mon, 2012-04-02 13:15

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this is a very gentle write
i like the way you just say it - without embellishment
it emphasises the emptiness somehow,
and highlights the uplift at the end

i would suggest you shorten the title
'white marble' appeals to me

also - just a suggestion
'This slab of carved stone
marks many of the things
that have happened
during my grandfather’s life
including his date of birth
as well as his death'

- maybe
'This slab of carved stone
marks many of the things
that happened
during my grandfather’s life
including his date of birth
and death' ??

and the final verse seems just a little short of what you are trying to say
perhaps if you described the feeling you have of the coldness of the slab ...
then say that however you still feel him watching over you

just all imho
a very captivating free form write
love judy

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

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