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HERMITAGE (cellar door shop)

It's cool and dark inside of here
where I reside alone, alone
where I hide with all my fear
beyond the range of any phone.

Here rejection has no place
no worries about fitting in.
I've escaped the old rat race
whose only lust is win, win, win.

But sometimes here within my place
I miss the company of men,
an urge to see another face
from the world beyond my den.

Then I peer through the wide joints
viewing where I lived before
in the direction my nose points
past the crumbling cellar door.

Style / type: 
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Last few words: 
You wanted fast and dirty so here ya are lol
Editing stage: 
Workshop: 

Comments

evocative. "crumbling cellar door" is a great image. a good look at a hermit's life.

Thanks for dropping by for a read........stan

author comment

rhyme, the rhythm and the theme, I think you still told a story, even though one was not required.
I like the image of the hermit/homeless man who is at home. Just wishing that he had someone to share with once in a while. ~ Gee.
.

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Critique or comment today!

I'm not sure I'm capable of writing without telling a story lol. Appreciate your stopping by

author comment

a elightful and sad at the same time. A contradiction I can't explain, but definitely a pleasure to read.
Thank you.

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

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I am so pleased that both emotions came through for you. The only cellar I've ever been in was a root cellar years ago dug into a hillside used to preserve potatoes and such

author comment

as a poem in it's own right but also shows careful attention to aural qualities in terms of consistency with tone, mood and emotion. Great work, mate! Thank you.

Just one line-
comes yearning for other men,
jars in terms of scansion. Just for the scansion, though I'm sure you can do better, hear how this fits the poem better
comes yearning for some other men,

I'll do a reading when my mike is fixed.

cheers,
Jess, Neopoet Directors
Neopoet is a workshop. Poets take the time to read and think about your work and offer suggestions.
There is no obligation to make any changes however please acknowledge critique and comments.

I wondered about that line when I wrote it. But you know how meter deaf I usually am so I left it and hoped somebody would let me know if it was as off as I thought lol. Thanks......I'll see about improving it tomorrow

author comment

and for once I will join your polemic regarding freeform/rhyme/structure. Perhaps you have been a bit slower picking up meter than most because of an over reliance on rhyme.

But you have definitively improved, my friend, improved out of sight. Although it is not a formal metric structure imagine me picking only one jarring note in a whole one of your poems.

I mean that sincerely and please don't shrug off the compliment with one of your self-deprecating remarks. Just for once grin and bear it, as a favour, ok?

cheers,
Jess, Neopoet Directors
Neopoet is a workshop. Poets take the time to read and think about your work and offer suggestions.
There is no obligation to make any changes however please acknowledge critique and comments.

I Do try, just sometimes it comes out better than others lol

author comment

Great fix on that line I complained of.

cheers,
Jess, Neopoet Directors
Neopoet is a workshop. Poets take the time to read and think about your work and offer suggestions.
There is no obligation to make any changes however please acknowledge critique and comments.

You know the best thing about neopoet is that people who suggest changes are not cussed out by thin skinned writers. This makes us all better poet, the writers and critics both.

author comment
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