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Here we go passing by

Coal-bright heat
pulsates a primal beat,
this light burns white
in the squalid night.

The windswept fury
in a drunken flurry,
toppled kerosene lamp
leaves the table damp.

Morning slips in sly,
waking the bleary eye;
pollen grain breezes
peddles raucous sneezes.

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Last few words: 
Feel free to whip it into shape.
Editing stage: 

Comments

CB,

can't believe this one hasn't yet had a comment.

Very tight rhyming and tempo to this...perfectly paced, whether read fast or slow.

Again well created images and done with few words, never an easy thing.

Only criticism...is I wanted a few more verses, from a selfish point of view.

Loved the final stanza!

HS

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With all that I am and all that I could be, I walk this earth, yet nobody sees me.

beginning to wonder if this poem had gone so wrong at some point. Thanks for commenting though. And understand that I get where you are coming from with the wanting of more verses. I try to be as succinct as I can in my writing. It is a top most challenge for me to keep poems as short as possible.... and yet many of my poems can and probably should be lengthened. Maybe one day... and hopefully when that day arrives we will be both there to share their journey as we have here. Cheers, CB/FK :-)

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'Break, break break on thy cold grey stones, O Sea.'

author comment

...take that journey with you.

regards,

HS

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Workshops are now open:
http://new.neopoet.com/workshop/find
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With all that I am and all that I could be, I walk this earth, yet nobody sees me.

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