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Her Shadow, in the Night

Submitted by docmaverick on Sun, 2012-05-27 02:39

Within her eyes are starlight
and she held me with her glance,

the shadows formed her sillouette
don't think I ever had a chance.

The smokiness of her demeanor
feels like silk against my own,

yet the darkness of her mystery
soothed like the sweetest breeze that's blown.

So, I'll join her in her haziness
that surrounds my every care,

we'll share a time so intimate
it'll ward off all despair.

For, within her eyes are starlight
she held me tight, with but her gaze,

and, I want so bad to follow her
into her shadow maze.

So, I'll rest forever dreaming
even though the day burns bright,

hoping serendipity will get the chance
to bring her shadow, back tonight.

Style / type: 
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Last few words: 
4 Honeycomb.
Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft

Comments

weirdelf

Fri, 2012-06-01 05:33

weirdelf's picture
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Too much 'you' based inspirational shit. And all those commas and inverted commas shiitted me to tears.

But this is fine, authentic, elegantly written poetry without a hint of cheap sentimentality.

The last lines are stunning. It evoked deep poignant feelings in me. At your best your are one of the best.

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

docmaverick

Sat, 2012-06-02 02:29

docmaverick's picture

...actually, you I would've been a "real" doctor, if I'd've had the "patients"! Seriously, I am pleased you let me back into your head every so often.
It couldn't be new, neopoet without you!
Thanx, again good sir,
sincerely,
doc.

Neopoet is "newtriffic" !
...from the heart, or a reasonable faxcimile;
david a. goodwin #{:>{)} @==

author comment

docmaverick

Wed, 2013-01-02 15:03

docmaverick's picture

...because, somehow.......I missed YOUR comment! I hugely apologise, for that.......by the way, I WILL pay heed to your suggestions, however; because....I'm not the one.
Sincerely, thanx...for the comment/critique;
doc.

Neopoet is "newtriffic" !
...from the heart, or a reasonable faxcimile;
david a. goodwin #{:>{)} @==

author comment
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