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On Her Purity

Strange of all your enigmatic
seasons
I find your purity
the sexiest

a veil is to accentuate
not hide away
to wait for the words
should I now soil myself

I yearn for you
in solitude
the invisible prison
that keeps night from day

as the wine is mixed
part lust & part ideal
the lovely sisters wander
hand in hand through the Eden of Iblis

should I remove my hand
from the furnace
simply because it hurts
and that's all

what a fool
he would say, the stonecutter
what harm is it
that the lovers
of the world
might learn the language
of poets

Original Edit:

Strange, of all the enigmatic
changes,
I found your purity
the sexiest.

The invisible prison
that keeps night from day.

Should I remove my hand
from the furnace
simply because it hurts
and that's all.

What a fool,
he would say,
the one who carves
my name into eternity.

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Editing stage: 
Content level: 
Not Explicit Content

Comments

Hi Dalton, I like your title and the poem is quite clear, except I get confused towards the end. Who is the "he" in the last strophe? God?
I'll return after others have commented. Best, Gracy

*
*
*
Know then thyself, presume not God to scan,
The proper study of Mankind is Man.
Plac’d on this isthmus of a middle state,
A being darkly wise, and rudely great….

An Essay On Man, III, Alexander Pope.

not sure how many others will bother to read. no the "he" is not God otherwise it would be uppercase "He" he is the stonecarver who writes my name on the tombstone. That whole stanza is a bit off for me too. Maybe I'll return to it in time with a fresh mind and edit

thanks for reading

author comment

have made another edit please reread thanks John

author comment

as Gracy, but you have answered that. Yes, I think that a different passage for the last stanza is a good; but maybe the same idea?
Someone remarking on the situation, that knows you; not a tombstone carver. ~ Geezer.
.

Honest critique and comments shouldn't hurt.
It's why we are here, to get better at our craft.

my mind is set on the stone carver I just need to find a more succinct way of putting it. thanks for reading Geezer

author comment

the last line "into eternity" feels like a bit of a cliché

author comment

And the stone-cutter carving my name, thinks "He was a fool"?
Geezer.
.

Honest critique and comments shouldn't hurt.
It's why we are here, to get better at our craft.

have made another edit please reread any advice is welcome cheers

author comment

it clearer now. ~ Geez.
.

Honest critique and comments shouldn't hurt.
It's why we are here, to get better at our craft.

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