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Her Favorite Pencil

Submitted by scooby on Tue, 2018-05-15 17:29

I wish I was her favorite pencil
Oh how She would write me with care,
She would use me in her journal
My pages wouldn't be the ones or tare.
I wish I were her favorite pencil
She would use me everyday,
And if she lost me
She would find me
In all of the best ways,
But if I were her favorite pencil
And my led was too short to fix,
Would she get a new one
And just use me as a stick?
For she thought I was more than just a single piece of wood,
For I didn't need my lead to make her day that good.,
And one day when you think you’re a pencil that can not write
Just remember that you’ll be loved by someone who just might.

Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Last few words: 
I know that this peice is alittle messy but i want to clean it up and make it better, so please comment any suggestions, thank you for reading.
Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft

Comments

tyro

Wed, 2018-05-16 14:41

Hi Scooby,
I think the biggest problem here is in your attempt at rhyme. It seems to make you say things you do not really want to say. You are not controlling the rhyme, the rhyme is controlling you. Perhaps if you first write it in prose to be clear what you want to say, and then bring in rhyme it might be clearer.

Since the I pronoun is the pencil, this line (My pages wouldn't be the ones or tare.) seems to turn the pencil into a journal.

T

The most powerful reaction
of mind on mind
is transference of sight

raj

Wed, 2018-05-16 15:05

I really liked the theme and some of the lines. The comment made by tyro is very appropriate. I hope you take it in the right spirit because it is aimed at improving your skill.

Well done...
....................................................................................................

raj (sublime_ocean)

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