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From Hell (eddy styx) {rhyming} Re-worked (again)
From Hell
From Hell 'twas told
the beast he came
with gaping jaw
and eye of flame
to virgins drawn
his hunger whet
on virtue fed
his course was set
a whore or two
for tastings' sake
a course before
his thirst to slake
in alleys dark
sharp blade was thrust
dank blood on shiv
as stark as rust
in passion heightened
hid by night
wide flung windows
his delight
untouched woman
in repose
deep in sleep
a blushing rose
he stands a moment
at bedside
lifting covers
hands now glide
knife at throat
she wakes in shock
as blade cuts
so chimes the clock
midnight struck
he heaves a sigh
with toothy grin
and evil eye
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction):
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Last few words:
For those of you who don't know: eddy styx is my male alter ego who writes dark poetry.
Thanks to Beauregard and to Lonnie for his e-mailed suggested changes! Thank you Loved and Stan, you're brilliant!
Editing stage:
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Region & Country
Northwestern Wisconsin USA
Favorite Poets
Edgar Allan Poe, William Blake, Bob Dylan, Tom Petty, Carlos Castaneda and many more.
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Comments
Candlewitch
Thu, 2012-03-29 15:53
Dear Lonnie,
One of the lines in question is:
blood bold as rust (I think the word "bold" is the problem.
as Kelsey pointed out and Dan has suggested I take out blackest from:
concealed by blackest night
which I agree with
I have a problem with:
virtuous woman
lying in repose
deep in sleep
soft as a blushing rose
it is the last line that bothers me. I would love to read your suggestions.
thanks always, Cat
*
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author commentCandlewitch
Sun, 2012-04-01 16:23
:)
Thanks, Beau! I needed that!
always, eddy (& cat)
*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.
author commentEduardo Cruz
Wed, 2012-03-28 15:58
Cat,
Very nicely done, it carries so well on the lips and tongue.
Bravisima!
Eddie
LIFE ISN'T ABOUT WAITING FOR THE STORM TO PASS
IT'S ABOUT LEARNING HOW TO DANCE IN THE RAIN.
VIVIAN GREENE
Candlewitch
Thu, 2012-03-29 15:55
Dear Eddie,
Thanks!
always, Cat
*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.
author commentCandlewitch
Thu, 2012-03-29 15:57
Thanks Beau,
I see what you mean. Thanks for pointing that out. I agree.
always, eddy (& cat)
*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.
author commentscribbler
Sat, 2012-03-31 22:11
Hi
Well, late as usual lol. Not exactly a poem to read a child at bedtime, but damned good anyway. I also have a few ideas :
L-5 that the beast came (avoids inversion)
L-20 add were
L-29 knlfe to throat
There were a few other places I'd have added a word but in doing so it might have hurt the bare bones evil intent................stan
Candlewitch
Sun, 2012-04-01 16:28
Thanks, Stan,
Good eye and suggestions.
:)
always, eddy (& cat)
*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.
author commentloved
Sun, 2012-04-01 01:25
Pardon me ma'am ...for exceeding my brief.. .. just learning
Pardon me ma’am...
for exceeding my brief.....
just learning
not intending any grief
1.
untouched woman
in repose
deep in sleep
soft as rose
b)
unblemished gals
in waiting
still in hope
seemingly consummating
will this be okay?
poetry your style????
2.
he stands a moment
at bedside
lifting covers
hands now glide
b)
he voyeurs all night
near the love seat
imagining for ever
their bodies would meet
c)
would these fit?
your type of menu
I think it should
just learning from you
loved
loved
Sun, 2012-04-01 01:45
Thank you
I thought I was only learning
you escalate my heart
as in the surgical room
when they fix
STENTS
thanks
my dear friend...
loved
Candlewitch
Sun, 2012-04-01 16:31
Dear Loved,
You are never a bother to me. I appreciate your great suggested alternatives. Thank you for reading my poetry!
always, eddy (& cat)
*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.
author commentloved
Sun, 2012-04-01 19:50
Cat ,no those were not sugggestions at all....
I just wanted to learn
and
so I took on
now since you all appreciate
may be I 'll compose one .
Thanks Cat.
loved
judyanne
Tue, 2012-04-03 02:17
i have a problem with the rhythm cat
the first three stanzas are written in iambic dimeter
then you change to mixing in some three syllable lines
maybe you meant to 'roughen' it - but it doesn't work for me
eg
'in dark alleys
blade was thrust
blood on shiv
stark as rust'
to keep the iambic -
'in alleys dark
sharp blade was thrust
dank blood on shiv
as stark as rust' ....
and so on....
however, i have to add that the rhythm and rhyme (for me) lowered the horror quality
i really don't think eddy's writes should be so formal - it causes a loss in the oomph if you know what i mean
hope this helps
love judy
xxx
'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)
Candlewitch
Wed, 2012-04-04 11:08
Dear Judy,
Thank you for the suggestions, I have made the changes. I appreciate all the help I can get! I hope you are well.
always, eddy (& cat)
*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.
author commentAmmaKonadu
Tue, 2012-04-03 05:44
Finally!
I have been able to read this and I enjoyed the poem as well as the comments!
Cool to see how suggestions are made to help improve the poem...feels like family!!
My favorite lines were;
in heightened passion
hid by night
wide flung windows
his delight
untouched woman
in repose
deep in sleep
a blushing rose...
The end sent chills down my spine!! Sure not bedtime story material for kids but good for me I think!!
Candlewitch
Wed, 2012-04-04 11:12
Dear Hannah,
I'm so glad you enjoyed my poem! Yes, we are a family of poets, helping each other learn and become better poets :)
I very much like your new Avatar (picture) Thanks for reading and commenting!
always, eddy (& cat)
*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.
author commentloved
Tue, 2012-04-03 05:52
I think the beauty of the character is
more pronounced by these lines
he stands a moment
at bedside
lifting covers
hands now glide
the personification of a darling from H E L L
is more voraciously extolled
by this thought alone...
loved
Candlewitch
Wed, 2012-04-04 11:14
Dear Loved,
Good eye! Thanks so much for reading and comenting.
always eddy (& cat)
*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.
author commentloved
Wed, 2012-04-04 12:58
All that I have is my eyes ...half blind
yet I read the type
with distant glasses
its all in ones mind
good Day ...Cat
loved