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Hell On Earth

The world was burning around me
where the sun revealed gory scenery
of corpses with darkened skin
with faces frozen in a silent scream.

Soldiers marching, trampling on humanity
Their blind bullets vanquished innocent lives
What is the meaning of such a victory
that was spawned out of despair and misery?

No guilty conscience, no conviction
my vision of peace distorted
like the reflection on a cracked mirror
stripped of beauty by murderers

I saw naked children fleeing,
pursued by laughing armed men.
"Have you no mercy?" I shouted
only to be hit by mortal demons

Lying facedown on the ground,
I picked myself up
and wept when I realized
it was stained with red blood

I begged for a sign from heavens
above to set my heart at ease
only to find a statue of
an angel with broken wings.

The pain stabbed at my soul,
denying the strength I need
I have become another
victim of a conqueror's greed.

My hearbeat skipped when I saw
a missile darting towards me
No! I don't want to die! No!!!
then I fall from my bed
drenched from head to toe
in my own sweat

I was glad that it was a dream
until I saw the news on TV
and learnt that some warmongers
were turning my nightmare
into a bitter reality.

Style / type: 
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Editing stage: 

Comments

too that was a dream. Unfortunately it's all there... A reality!!
It would be great if you can keep up the syllable count almost the same in each line. It gives a smoother read, even if it is free verse.
Let's see if others have another perception though.

But all in all I thought this is a powerful writing.

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

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Yes. Its bitter reality and one war can lead to another yet many of them forget that the greatest war is fought within oneself.

Alid

author comment

that Rula might be a bit more perceptive than I, but I didn't have any difficulty in reading this with some smoothness. I really liked the introduction of the part about it being a dream! I don't think I realized that it was a dream until you fell out of bed. The twist came as easily as the twist of an acrobat. ~ Gee

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Thanks for the visit and comment. Glad you liked it.

Alid

author comment

I might be wrong. I am happy if anyone proves me so. L was only suggesting keeping the same syllable count in each line whenever possible. That's all.

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

Follow me
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For some reason it seems each generation has its own set of barbarians. Hitler and the Japanese with the Holocost and rape of Nanking. The Soviets and their soulless gulags. And now we have barbarians who call themselves Islamists who are doing the same things....sigh

Now to the poem itself. In my opinion there are subjects which are better conveyed with a rough flow than a smooth one and this is such.......stan

Can't agree more with you. Just wonder who is going to be next...

Alid

author comment

I like the flow. Well written free verse.

*Collaborative Poetry Workshop* American Version of Japanese Poetry ~ Renga ~ Haiku, Senyru, Tanka.

Neopoet Community

Glad you liked it.

Alid

author comment

I left a comment, but it seems gone. I think they're trying to phase me out.
Anyway I would have liked to see a more consistent meter (yes, free style uses "rhythm"), but the subject is intense and relevant.

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

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how to do that.

Alid

author comment

don't stop now

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

Learn how, teach others.
The NeoPoet Mentor Program
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I enjoyed the read. But I agree with Wes and Rula about the meter

.... start by counting the amount of feet you have in each verse
They don't have to be the same length, but the stanzas need to be the same pattern on the whole. A shorter verse here and there for effect is good, but generally a large mix will pull on the rhythm
you have verses as short as trimeter and as long as hexameter...

The use of dream, and the late reveal, was clever.
a powerful theme and subject ... now work some more on it to make it a powerful write
Love judy
xxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

help me. The pain is too much that I can't focus even after taking the meds. Its been like that since yesterday. Help, pleease!!!

Alid

author comment

fatigues on..canada more welcoming
to all it seems throughout history
refuted and refugee

war is hell....from the narrative non combatant
untrained with only intuitive survival in chaos
this is a good write of a dream
and emergence..
watching U Tube vids of all battles..
no one seems to really win
yet its a part of humanity
through and through

Thank You!

you re welcome.

Alid

author comment

Pain is apart of my life as well. Without meds I'd be on a psyche ward somewhere lol. Hope you feelng better. As for your poem it reads fine to me but I do see the point of the suggestions and would have a ghastly time figuring out what to change.

*Collaborative Poetry Workshop* American Version of Japanese Poetry ~ Renga ~ Haiku, Senyru, Tanka.

Neopoet Community

It comes to the point when it is hard to focus at times and of late, its getting worse.

Alid

author comment

I fully get you on this.

*Collaborative Poetry Workshop* American Version of Japanese Poetry ~ Renga ~ Haiku, Senyru, Tanka.

Neopoet Community

I tried to play with these two stanzas which I found the most rough. Hope you find the difference.

I begged for a sign from heavens
above to set my heart at ease
[only] to find a statue of
an angel with broken wings.

The pain stabbed at my soul,
denying the strength I need
I have become another
victim to a conqueror's greed.

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

Follow me
www.instgram.com/rularules1

I liked the sensitivities vivdly expressed in your respective poems. I had also delved into something similar twice but those poems I may not be able to find....therefore i can connect with these themes...one of my poems was titled as I vaguely remember "Were Angels Taking A Nap" which was spontaneously written after watching on TV the 9/11 gruesome attacks ..

Rula, in the last line of Stanza 2 i think it should be victim of and not victim to...

Regards,

raj (sublime_ocean)

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