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The Hedgehog And The Fly

Submitted by William Saint George on Tue, 2012-01-10 18:02

It's at a time
when I refuse to check my mail
so I can be surprised
by my TIME subscription
list.

I wait for the boy to snore
some more
so I'll have something
other than myself
to ridicule and bemoan.

The time I sit
till I sink in
the crater my bottom
makes on my bed;

And I see how naturaly I dent
All that was comfy and right.

The times we watch
the seconds tick
and wish we were
like time -

to go on
mindless
till the end
without a burden to bear.

The moments we coil
up like a snail
without a sturdy shell-

Our nakedness stark
against the black
of a pit
and a raging storm.

The eternity it takes
to move beyond
the wreckage of one life

And to dare to look
beyond the clouds
and smile at an angry sun.

I'll eat a cold cake
and drink some honey
to savour the aftertaste.

Life is a well
in which we fell
and we look up
right back from our waste.

But if the hedgehog
loves her spines,
and the fly his failing legs,
then maybe I'll wait
to see what God
can make of this aging hag.

Review Request (Intensity):

I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Review Request (Direction):

What did you think of my title?

How was my language use?

How was the beginning/ending of the poem?

Is the internal logic consistent?

Last few words:

Written to tap right into some earlier sentiment; with a bit of Esker as inspiration. How does this come to you? ps. the "Last few words" makes me feel like the moment before I'm about to die. May be the subject of some other poem.

Editing stage:

Editing - rough draft

Comments

infinite_dwarf

Tue, 2012-01-10 20:41

Jesse

My goodness what a dark write. I certainly hope it isn't autobiographical. I think a good universal point was touched on - how when one is down, they just want time to either end, or speed up. It's one of those feelings that kind of binds humanity, as probably everyone has experienced it from time to time. I liked the closing sentiments of the write, and the injection of positiveness and optimism. Brings to mind something my Gyosa-nim once said: "Once you have reached bottom, the only way is up."

William Saint George

Wed, 2012-01-11 02:11

It is, to an extent

I have a little problem with over-exposing myself in my poetry, so I changed the dominant pronoun to "we" at some point. I put this here because neopoet looks like a safe community, but seeing that the poem works quite well, I think I'll take it out.

I'm glad you were able to empathize with the poem.

No verse is free for the man who wants to do a good job. - TS Eliot

http://www.wsgeorge.com/

author comment

Candlewitch

Wed, 2012-01-11 12:14

Hello,

I agree with Jess K's assesment of this piece. I was wondering what the title had to do with the piece. I came to understand in the last lines, which I think are brilliant:

But if the hedgehog
loves her spines,
and the fly his failing legs,
then maybe I'll wait
to see what God
can make of this aging hag.

I have no suggestions, just appreciation for the work. I very much enjoy dark poetry. Thanks for the read.

always, Cat

*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.

William Saint George

Wed, 2012-01-11 12:41

Hi Cat

Thank you so much! *on bended knee*

Your liking this means so much to me, my poetry and my personal life.

No verse is free for the man who wants to do a good job. - TS Eliot

http://www.wsgeorge.com/

author comment

William Saint George

Thu, 2012-01-12 03:56

Thank you

Thank you Lou.

No verse is free for the man who wants to do a good job. - TS Eliot

http://www.wsgeorge.com/

author comment

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The Hedgehog And The Fly