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heaven's open doors

Submitted by Viviana Smith on Mon, 2020-10-12 09:04

Take me into your open arms

take me out of this horrid harm

I'm falling apart piece by piece

I need your help and this pain to cease

so help me rest and help me last

and when I finally come to your rugged path

let me in and please don't laugh

my hair is cut and a rugged brown

my face is scarred with a permanent frown

my clothes are torn and my skin is leathery

my eyes are dark and my brain is feathery

my hands are bloody but still have strength

my posture is bad but my form has length

my teeth are yellow and I don't have a lot

my fingernails are worn and I've begun to rot

I'm not dead yet and I will try to survive

to get to heaven's doors which are always open wide

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft
Contest: 
Enter and Exit As You Please
Content level: 
Not Explicit Content

Comments

Geezer

Mon, 2020-10-12 12:17

Geezer's picture
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this poem a lot. I know that you know someone like this; even if it is just in passing. Maybe someone you see as you pass by them on the street. I know too, that you smile at them and wish them a good day! I was touched by your portrayal of their face and demeanor. Typos - [always] in the last line and [permite]? I think you mean [permanent]. ~ Geezer.
.

There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.

Ray Whitaker

Tue, 2020-10-13 17:39

Ray Whitaker's picture

I like the piece.

Why did you separate your lines? The rhythm and rhyme strive to connect, it seems to me. Ah, however what do I know? It’s a great piece.

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Raywhitakerblog.wordpress.com
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Viviana Smith

Tue, 2020-10-13 19:53

Viviana Smith's picture

do you think it would look and flow better with the lines together? I'm not one to judge i'm an amateur.

Kisses,
Vivi

author comment

Ray Whitaker

Tue, 2020-10-13 20:31

Ray Whitaker's picture

As i understand it, can be used for emphasis, organization, direction of the images in the piece. I bet someone else here with a elevated writing/literature degree might chime in here.

Keep up your good work!

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Gracy

Thu, 2020-10-15 16:47

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Hi Viv, love your poem. A lot of us must feel this way with the pandemic. We're getting old and brittle with no end in sight, except Heaven's door.
I think you have one extra beat in the last line, at least. Didn't check all your poem, I'm an amateur at forms.
The title, spacing, theme and all else are fine. Enjoyed.
Best, Gracy

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