Join the Neopoet online poetry workshop and community to improve as a writer, meet fellow poets, and showcase your work. Sign up, submit your poetry, and get started.

A Heart's Tale

It was once a garden of innocence,
full of love, hopes and colourful dreams.
Then the raiders came with a vengeance
trampling on its virgin soil marking grim

They looted its treasures out of greed
and set them on fire in vengeful hatred.
As the young man wept while his heart bled.
His soul, no longer a free bird.

From the pain of yesterday, a promise was made
to never again be gullible and weak.

Thus he raised walls of distrusts,
shutting people out of his life,
no longer believing that love would last
or it would ever shine in his life.

Over the years, a fortress was formed
with all of the defenses
to harbour him from a storm
but not from his own loneliness

In its core, a frightened child still hides,
still yearning to love and be loved
but his voice was locked away by lies
and misconceptions of his own worth

Without a ray of love,
his fortress is a prison.
a cold, dark citadel
around his heart.

Style / type: 
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Editing stage: 

Comments

You have nicely created a portrait of low key, low profile person who is weighed down by circumstances. A few suggestions for you to review:-

They loot its treasures out of greed
[They looted its treasures out of greed]
and laid it to waste in burning hatred.
[and set them on fire in vengeful hatred]

Thus he raised walls out of distrusts,
[Thus he raised walls of distrust]

Regards,

raj (sublime_ocean)

for the visit and the comment. It sounds better now,

Alid

author comment

No matter how strong that fortress is, the smile of a child will break through without any asking, then you will realise that it is a waste of life, there you will dance with the smiling child and there you will be free to journey on.
Though I expect in your case it won't be a child but may be a young woman a lot older and it will just be a look, then the walls will shatter.
This will make a second part to this piece, I will look forward to you writing it,
Yours Ian.T

.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

Glad to find you here. Thank you for the visit and the comment. It does sounds good for a continuation. Let me think about it for awhile.

Alid

author comment

This is powerful, smooth and well crafted. It speaks the truth of life that so many around the world end up feeling because of violence and hatred.

My only criticism is the last stanza. I really like the structural difference, which I think adds focus and impact, but somehow, the repitition of "prison" doesn't seem to fit the rest of the poem, for me.
As an alternative, perhaps

"Without a ray of love,
his fortress is a prison.
a cold, dark citadel
around his heart."

Or something similar?

Most excellent poetry, my friend.

Respectfully, Jim

"Laws and Rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" - Race-9togo

http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/Race_9togo

Long time since I've met you here.How's life has been for you? I hope that everything is well. Thank you for the visit and the comment. I've done the edit. I hoped that I did better than before. I've been told that I have written too many cliches in my poems, so I'm trying to improve on it. Hope to hear from you soon!

Alid

author comment

Your poem is beautiful mixed with a sadness ,
very clear and substantive poem .

Best regards

Pattra

Thank you for the visit and the comment. Glad you like it. I have read your profile. You say you write poems without knowing poetic structure. Believe me you can improve on that part with the people here. I learnt about haiku here. Each of Its 3 line stanza about nature, following a 5-7-5 syllable format. That means the 1st and the 3rd lines must have 5 syllables while the 2nd line must have 7 syllables.

Alid

author comment
(c) Neopoet.com. No copyright is claimed by Neopoet to original member content.