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Heartbreak [Haiku]

Walls crumbling in storm
birds deserting cozy nests
cathartic tears stream

Style / type: 
Structured: Eastern
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
Editing stage: 

Comments

I do love the idea of the storm's rain being catharsis. There's so much room for that thought to take us many places, especially in the short haiku form. Who is it cathartic for? Us? The earth? Maybe both. I think it is also a refreshing way to look at storms, to have a healthy relationship with them. They can cause such devastation and those destructive effects are the many literary connotations of storms, but the rain does cleanse the earth and nurture it. It's only devastating because we get in the way of these natural phenomenons and try to fight against them.

In terms of the haiku, I'm not exactly one to comment because my southern drawl causes me to pronounce words like "crumbling" (or trickling and other similar -ling words) with an extra syllable than a lot of other folks do. I pronounce it as "crum-bul-ing" whereas it is "crumb-ling" for most. In that case, your first line is perfect if I don't drawl out crumbling. Nonetheless, the third line, I think is one syllable short because cathartic is three syllables.

What do you think of "cathartic tear drops" or "cathartic tears fall" to add the extra syllable?

Also, I know haiku don't traditionally have a title, but I think this one deserves a title to draw our attention. Maybe something simple like "Relief" or something more complex like "A Different Sort of Eye" to play off the tears and the eye of a storm. What do you think?

Hope this helps. I enjoyed this short read very much. Haiku and other short forms are some of my favorites. They are a real challenge to do well and I think you have done so here.

Kelsey

Advocates Coordinator

Critique, don't comment. Neopoet is a workshop and is designed to share your poetry, receive and make critique of the work posted, and most importantly, for you to evolve as a poet.

www.kelsey-burroughs.weebly.com

Thank you for your visit to this Haiku and a very elaborate responsive comment. I liked the way you decoded the Haiku in terms of the storm with regard to the positive and negative dynamics. It's a good feeling when readers look beyond the literal words and make their own perceptions. This is one of the reasons i like the short forms Haiku and more recently Sunku which is trying to find its feet in the poetic form w.r.t. it's formal acceptance.

Coming to the third line..I do agree with you that cathartic is 3 syllabi and I presume tears is 2. Do you think tears is 1 syllable? If so i will tweak it up and also consider giving this one a title.

I am indeed happy for your engaging so actively with this Haiku and giving your very objective and meaningful comments and perception..

Best regards...

raj (sublime_ocean)

author comment

Yes, tears is one syllable. It rhymes with "fears" and neither the "ea" or the -s ending give an extra syllable.

Happy to help!

Take care,
Kelsey

Advocates Coordinator

Critique, don't comment. Neopoet is a workshop and is designed to share your poetry, receive and make critique of the work posted, and most importantly, for you to evolve as a poet.

www.kelsey-burroughs.weebly.com

I missed out a thing while responding to your critique in the context of perception of this Haiku one of which you have mentioned with respect to storm. I might add that holistically this Haiku was inspired by a number of situations one encounters, e.g. break down of a family due to a fight....immigration caused by outbreak of wars [Syria, Myanmar...] ...forced deportation of immigrants [Dreamers]...
................................

raj (sublime_ocean)

author comment

Thanks for the help and suggestions.

I have done some tidying up...hope this works better..
......

raj (sublime_ocean)

author comment

We don't have accents, everybody Else does lol. Since Haku ,as I understand it, can only really be written in Japanese I'd not worry too much about syllable count in English....stan

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