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Heartache-Attempted Senryu
Time is relative
I lost count of your heart beats
now light years away
Style / type:
Structured: Eastern
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Last few words:
Please consider this as my first attempt at Senryu. I welcome all criticism be it positive or negative. It would only help my comprehension of this poetry type and provide direction.
Editing stage:
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Comments
Barbara Writes
Mon, 2014-04-21 00:36
raj
Beautiful first attempt.. you are right on with the syllable count. You are ready to join my renga workshop with one like this.
*Collaborative Poetry Workshop* American Version of Japanese Poetry ~ Renga ~ Haiku, Senyru, Tanka.
Neopoet Community
raj
Mon, 2014-04-21 15:08
Barbara
Thank you for visiting this page and your comment which is a nod of approval in terms of my attempt at Senryu being on the right track. Right now I am preoccupied with some important work assignment, which is why I am not sure about active participation in the workshop. else, I would have loved to be part of it.
Regards,
raj (sublime_ocean)
author commentBarbara Writes
Mon, 2014-04-21 16:32
raj
just pop in momentarily with your senryu is all that's necessary.
*Collaborative Poetry Workshop* American Version of Japanese Poetry ~ Renga ~ Haiku, Senyru, Tanka.
Neopoet Community
raj
Mon, 2014-04-21 17:08
Barbara
I already done that proactively by barging in the workshop stream and await your comment.
Regards,
raj (sublime_ocean)
author commentloved
Mon, 2014-04-21 04:12
haiku is all about nature
so said the Japs
and 5 7 5
ur senryu
has many more syllables too ..
good you do
loved
raj
Mon, 2014-04-21 15:10
Loved
I rechecked the syllable count and it is 5-7-5, as also confirmed by Barbara in her comment. Thanks for your time and visiting this page.
Regards,
raj (sublime_ocean)
author commentloved
Fri, 2014-04-25 23:53
just and apt
your works are great
loved
Ian.T
Mon, 2014-04-21 04:26
raj
A very good Senryu and as Barbara says it is now time to join the others writing the Renga,
Yours Ian.T
.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..
raj
Mon, 2014-04-21 15:12
Ian
Thanks for your visit and appreciative comment. Good to know I got it right. as for joining Barbara's workshop, as mentioned to her, right now I am preoccupied with some important work assignment, which is why I am not sure about active participation in the workshop, else, I would have loved to be part of it. I remember your mentioning to me that Barbara is proficient in these poetry styles and it is good to follow her tips.
Regards,
raj (sublime_ocean)
author commentIan.T
Mon, 2014-04-21 16:40
raj
The Renga can go on for months so there is no panic for when you can pop in to post something.
Just add it on the end it should take you all of 20 minutes to compose and post lol,
Take care yours Ian . T
PS:- I find that this site gives a good syllable count to save you time:-
http://www.poetrysoup.com/haiku_syllable_counter/
.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..
raj
Mon, 2014-04-21 17:07
Ian
You are right. I couldn't control my addiction to this workshop and have already added 3 lines there after yours :)
Cheers!
raj (sublime_ocean)
author comment