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Heart Estranged

Another man walked out the door
and out of my life. It was the night
this heart estranged from my soul.
She’s tired; a poet’s mangled page
on the wind.

Nothing feels real,
setting ablaze nights and stars and secrets.
They hang within homesick eyes,
string lights across prairie skylines
when the heart estranged flees
for somewhere to call home,
when no one is on your side
and another love died is
a broken moon scattered in purple silk.

This heart left me long ago
and tell me who’s seen it since?
But maybe there’s more.
Maybe she missed having wildflowers
in her hair, the moon gleaming effervescent.
Maybe all I needed was to
come back down to Earth, crash and burn,
to get up off the floor. Maybe all I needed
was to love myself before following her,
back to the gypsy that I was.

Style / type: 
Free verse
Last few words: 
A rewrite of a poem I wrote back in 2009. Dusted it off for the Love Poems contest.
Editing stage: 
Contest: 

Comments

I didn't understand the dual identity: I/she, until I figured that you were talking about your heart. I hope that it has come back. Hearts have a funny way of coming back when you least expect them. Mine has done that leaving and coming back bit, a few times. I just don't feel the lines that go: "Nothing feels real,
setting ablaze, nights and stars and secrets." I'm feeling the [ablaze] sends a different message, it seems to me, that it would mean a certain brightness, a fiery kind of thing rather than the dark and hollow thing that you describe, where nothing feels real. I like the theme, and there were some really great lines: "She's tired, a poets mangled page on the wind." I think you can do a little better with another line that I really like: " A broken moon, on purple silk" Leave out the [scattered]. As always, purely suggestions and you can take or leave any or all. ~ Gee.
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Totally fair! Thanks for the suggestions!

Katie

Remember Love and Give Peace a Chance

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author comment

I really like the way you write to include the narrative innerness which is palpable; your thoughtful about every word, which I very much appreciate
You understand the musicality of language but perhaps you could smooth it out a bit

To many words are like awkward claws the trap the flow

Maybe its a personal bias but for me personally it reads to much like prose I suppose because of your attention to hitting all the points like a list of events in time amplified by your use of article words

I think if you paired it down streamlining it; it would take on an air of eloquence and still lose nothing in its melancholy

EX:

Nothing feels real,
setting ablaze nights
stars and secrets
hanging within homesick eyes,
string lights across prairie skylines

the heart estranged flees
for somewhere to call home,
when no one is on your side
another love died
broken moon
scattered in purple silk. or.... a scattered purple silk
…..
This is an example of what I mean; not specific instructions
The answer lies in how you feel about this approach

The idea is to purge the poem of time details like ….then...when,,,but ...maybe....and etc
and then to concentrate on descriptive language

EX:
Another man walked out the door
and out of my life. It was the night
crest and claw on the wind.

Am I making sense?

Thanks, guys! I appreciate the feedback immensely!

Katie

Remember Love and Give Peace a Chance

Check out Neopoet's social media blog for updates, events, and information: https://www.neopoet.com/neopoet-social-media

author comment
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