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HATRED edied by Jess

Submitted by Geremia on Tue, 2014-08-05 11:30

Your hatred has seeped
into my soul, now condemned
by ancient curses

falling venom from your lips
wherein your evil truth lies

seek no hope for me
I am too weak to fight on
your lies are too much

Last few words: 
Ian asked me to contribute to a Barbara's renga poem, I don't know what I am doing, This is not renga, but his request struck me as it describes a true occurrence in my life.. I was looking for a way to express this, I dom't write much anymore. It was good to contribute something once again, joe
Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft

Comments

weirdelf

Tue, 2014-08-05 16:02

weirdelf's picture
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the first in haiku form 5-7-5 and the second 7-7 by syllable count, mind if I have a go at it?

Your hatred has seeped
into my soul, now condemned
by ancient curses

falling venom from your lips
wherein your evil truth lies

seek no hope for me
I am too weak to fight on
your lies are too much

[2 more 7 syllable lines needed]

I've changed the meaning but you see how it works with the syllable count?
You could edit this and enter it into Barbara's " Renga "Hatred's Legacy" workshop.

If I might offer some advice? make those last 2 lines count!

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

Geremia

Tue, 2014-08-05 18:36

Geremia's picture

thanks, Jess.

jor

author comment

Ian.T

Tue, 2014-08-05 19:01

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Jess has saved me a few moments of work and sorted your words to conform to a Renga piece, love it, they are still your words and I can feel the anger in there, yet out there all you have to do is reach out to others, they will draw near and watch you smile at these things again, Yours Ian.T
PS:- There is a lady here that reaches out as she sits just outside her front door, small and dressed in black with lace to decorate the neck and sleeves, and a smile that would melt an Angel.

.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

weirdelf

Thu, 2014-08-07 10:29

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http://www.neopoet.com/workshop/renga-hatreds-legacy

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

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