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Hands in pockets...

Hands in pockets….

What of this state that we call death,
this coming of time you and I must
face it’s clear. We watch as others
young and old perish but could be
saved, my shame outweighs my fear
Why can’t we have a blind eye or turn
the other cheek, say, it’s only another
drought driven starving, no need for
us to speak.

Where are their leaders we cry slinking
away to the back of the crowd, it’s their
responsibility, we’ve done enough, and
my new X box is playing up for crying
out loud.

Ashamed, of course not, don’t you know
I’m Jack the lad, sloping shoulders at
the ready, I won’t hear of anything sad.
I’ve been like this forever, doesn’t mean
that I’m all bad.

You people are all the same, trying to make
our world sound crap. Tramping round the
globe with your egotistically driven map,
pointing at me and saying there goes an
uncaring well nourished chap.

So what if I’m not starving and they
poor buggers are, I’d like to try and
help but It’s Africa it seems so bloody
far. Maybe we could hitch a ride from
a passing shooting star.

No I’m not going to feel bad I’ll be
perfectly honest with you, if all those
greedy pigs with millions lent a hand
then perhaps I’d muck in to. Well what
if I go out have a few drinks and a laugh,
I always pay my due.

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Last few words: 
Another one for Africa....
Editing stage: 

Comments

One I totally agreed with

But I think you lost the poetry.

If I'm wrong or want to talk about it more, say so.

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

Thank you Jess, that's two you've commented on negatively, and i think you're correct. I'm already working on the first, I'm trying to lose some of the anger or at least channel it. Let me think about your offer of help, maybe we could work on something togetther. Thank you again Jess. Regards Roscoe..

Roscoe Llane,

Religion will rip your faith off, and return
for the mask of disbelief that's left.

author comment

I've been way over-committed with the More Meter workshop lately but you are a poet I totally respect for content, meaning, and usually [grins] form.

Would love to work with you.

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

" if all those
greedy pigs with millions lent a hand"

if only...

always, Cat

*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.

Thank you Cat, glad you read and commented. Love Roscoe..

Roscoe Llane,

Religion will rip your faith off, and return
for the mask of disbelief that's left.

author comment

My difficulty with the poem is Jess'. It didn't read like poetry and many of the lines were obfuscating. A little punctuation would solve some of it, but some of it just needs to be rephrased. There is, however, nothing wrong with the tone. wesley

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

Learn how, teach others.
The NeoPoet Mentor Program
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Thank you for your comments, and i'm not sorry if the poem was not as clear as it could have been. I was trying to describe the kind of tensions i feel when i start to write this type of poem, or more so the theme. I can't help feeling guilty about what happens in our planet, but i sometimes wish i could not feel guilty about someone starving, or dying of thirst. And i wish i could always write cheery happy go lucky poems, but i just have to write what i'm feeling when i start to write. So maybe subconciously i'm trying to hide some feelings, and this comes through my poems. I think i've said what i meant, sorry if it's not quite clear. Thank you again. Regards Roscoe...

Roscoe Llane,

Religion will rip your faith off, and return
for the mask of disbelief that's left.

author comment

... "when you begin to write, just write. Don't think. Just write."
He meant that later you can go and repair the mania, but just writing puts our gut on the page first. Clarity comes later.
wesley

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

Learn how, teach others.
The NeoPoet Mentor Program
http://www.neopoet.com/mentor/about

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